Well... it's mid January now... and my lack of self discipline has already earned me a big, fat, 'F' for most of the changes I wanted to make, upon the arrival of this new and 'improved' (Used in the loosest form possible...) year. I'm still smoking. I'm still fat. I haven't won the lottery. Shit... I haven't even been able to eat Activia diligently enough to get regular. (It's the simple things...) It makes me laugh when I think about it, actually. Why do I even make an attempt at 'resolutions'? (Also used in the loosest form possible...) Aren't they, in all reality, just idle threats I makes to my own... self? "I am not gonna talk to you if you don't lose 20 pounds in 3 weeks, FATTY!?" or "If you don't quit smoking cold turkey... TODAY... your house will burn down in the night, and it will be your fault... because you left a cigarette burning, or something awful like that! You DIRTY (Insert various four letter words here)?" (Notice I ignore the fact that I'm surely going to leave my children Motherless if I continue? Ugh... hardest thing in my life. Period. So I won't focus on that for now.) or my favorite... "Celery, nuts and water are perfectly delicious replacements for pizza and wine! You IDIOT?" Bare in mind... these are actual conversations. Conversations between me... and me. What? Yeah, sounds kinda mental, right? Typically, by this point, I've already thrown in the proverbial towel. And I scoff (Mostly out of pure, self loathing, jealousy) at those eager morons, who are still taking up regulars' treadmills at the gym they just joined. The one that they will only be a member of for another month. And at the smokers that are wearing patches that make their hands shake, their ears ring, and bring them closer to a stroke/certain death, than any cigarette they have ever smoked. Who are they kidding? But not this year. Nope. I've been having all sorts of 'words' with me these days. This will be the year I change everything that bugs. I'm sure of it.
I started today, in fact. A girlfriend of mine told me all about a Jillian Michaels DVD. The 30 day shred. She made it sound so fab... I even battled Walmart to purchase it! (Target was fresh out... good sign?) It is a series of three 20 minute workouts. Twenty minutes can't be THAT bad! Right!? I've been doing workout videos for years! Pilates and, well... Pilates? Clearly it has worked wonders, so... :) I've always kind of hated on Jillian, though. There is no reason... but I just have. Maybe it could be her incessant yelling, in fat people's faces, that gets to me. Or the fact that she is NOT a Doctor... but is suddenly on the show "The Doctors"? Who knows. If this chick can shred my shit in 30 days, I can overlook some of that. Also, I like to tell myself that Jillian, if anything, has really awful eyebrows. Eyebrows that will make a great target for me to grind my teeth and mutter 'shit talk' about, under my breath, while I'm sweating and swearing and want to stab someone. (That'll show that skinny bitch!) :) So... why not try it? My 10 year old Daughter and I decide to watch it first, so we know what we are in for. (When I say 'we'... I mean... 'I'. She dances 10-12 hours every week, does gymnastics, and has a 6 pack. She'll be fine. Plus... jumping up and down repeatedly isn't nearly as painful when you only weigh 50 pounds, and don't have DD cup boobs. I'm scared.) We were about 7 minutes in, and I noticed that even the ripped bitches, who she has demonstrating these God forsaken moves, are dripping in sweat and panting a little. Was my girlfriend for real? She does this shit!? Is it easier than it looks!? Cuz... seriously... I was exhausted just watching it. Was *I breaking out in a sweat? And panting? Ish... I was just in the viewing phase! I guess I felt the need to see for myself. Nothing like jumping right in!
I put on my sports bra, closed the curtains... (just in case someone were to drive by, happen to look in here, sees me flailing around like a victim of sorts, and think I'm being attacked by an intruder. It could happen... and I don't need the cops here again. Like... ever again.) and gave it a good old Community College try. (Disclaimer: I wore a tank top as well... all children's eyes were spared during this process) It was pretty brutal. Just like I thought. Level one is a bitch. Yes... I said level one. I felt like one of those sad, pathetic, 'I used to be so hot' chicks, on the Biggest Loser... who cry a bunch about their hefty weight gains... and then secretly, and feverishly, search for the camera crew's leftover donuts, when the camera is not on them. Quite appropriate, actually. :) I used to have a pretty decent bod too... And a fantastic, full length mirror that told me I looked long and lean... even on my shortest, squattest days :) (Oh, how I miss that mirror!!) And here I am now. Facing off with Jillian. Ew. :) I didn't lunge as low as what'shernuts, with the curly hair. She can Eff right off. I didn't do 'Man' push ups either... but I did it. And I didn't die! My son actually came and sat on the couch right next to me. His face was a tell-tale sign that things were jiggling in all the wrong places. He tried, with all of his might, not to laugh at me... to no avail. Why is it so much cuter when my daughter is doing all of this nonsense? I just look like a heffer on hot coals. :( So... after much laughter, sweat, teeth grinding, and bouncing... I actually felt pretty good about things! This should be a cinch by day 5 or 6!! I immediately slammed a bunch of water and smoked half of a cig. It didn't taste good. I sorta love Jillian!! All was well... until a half hour later, when I had to carry a laundry basket down the stairs...
My legs already feel like Jello, and I may have actually ripped my butt open. I'm not sure. My shoulders feel like they are in a vice grip, and my arms are shaking as I type this. I'm gonna be sore as HELL tomorrow... But, so help me God, I'm doing it again. I may even start to like the burn? Ok... that's pushing it, and a total lie... but hopefully I will dig the results. I even thought about taking before and after pictures, and walking myself through the process by blogging about it. (Mostly because I still don't really know why I even have a blog... or what I should blog about. I'm all 'new' and stuff. :)) But I won't. That is boring and totally overdone. Not to mention... nobody wants to see the 'before'. Maybe I'll take a '30 days in' photo or something instead :) For now I'm just gonna groove on the fact that I'm being somewhat proactive, and my kids go back to school tomorrow, so I can sweat and bawl in peace. :) I'm gonna turn those Fs into As before I know it! (Or at least Cs!! Now... if only I could figure out how to do that with my boobs...) The laundry can wait... I'll get to it when I'm all svelte. :)
Monday, January 16, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
It Was What It Was...
So... I know I tend to go on and on about how much the holidays 'rock my world'...and I just can't wait for them... and I'm oh so busy decorating, cooking, baking, shopping, cleaning, enjoying every minute and such... but let me tell you... this holiday season pretty much sucked the life out of me!! :) In fact... this whole YEAR knocked it out of me... From the minute the clock struck midnight, on December 31st, 2010... It has been.. 'on'? One blow after another, in various forms, making this one for the record books, for me and everyone around me. I thought about making a list, as a reference for when I think things are going badly, and so I don't forget anytime soon... but then, that would be depressing. So... here it is:
1) My kid (Who I'm assuming is psychic) bawled her eyes out on New Years Eve. This just dawned on me the other day, and it totally made sense and weirded me out. Totally set the stage for what was to come. I sent her to a friend's house this year... so I wouldn't even see her reaction. Genius on my part. Or just plain paranoia.:)
2) It snowed like the dickens alll Winter. Starting in early November. I'm not talking a few, garden variety blizzards either. I live in Minnesota. I expect those. I'm talking every weekend, we got 648 feet of snow. Every weekend. Even in May. I was drowning in SADD... with no end in sight. For real. It was brutal...
3) My friends. This has been a year of forgiveness, battles, words, learning, struggles, coping, making up and 'breaking up' with people who mean so much to me. I have felt like I'm back in high school, and also been proud of myself for standing up for 'this guy'. :) My closest friendships have been tested... some have failed. All in all, it was just a tough year. I think we all had PMS for 12 months. (Or maybe it was just me... it's possible...) :)
4) I turned 35. Now... this may not seem like the end of the world for some people... but it was a very tough time for me. I'm now officially too old for most things I enjoy. I will never be able to go to a bar downtown again without feeling like a creepy cougar, and I have maybe 3 eggs left for reproductive purposes. Those 2 things alone are hard enough to swallow. I also can no longer be on the birth control pill and smoke simultaneously, shop at Wet Seal or forever 21, correctly wear the latest trends, overdo jewelry, get a tattoo, or any of the things I used to do. After all, I am now, for all intents and purposes, technically 40.
5) My Mother in Law was diagnosed with, and eventually beat, Brest Cancer. Many surgeries, treatments and... well... I need not elaborate... it just sucked. Especially the part about me having to shave her head. Nobody should have to do that for someone they love. But, yet... you should be able to lean on someone you love to do that for you? Ugh... it all sucked.
6) Some of our closest friends moved to Texas. These are people that are like family to all 4 of us, and we spent a lot of time with them. My kids were crushed. Tried to find the silver lining in that by saying we now have a reason to visit, and give Houston a real problem... but we can't afford to fly all 4 of us down there. Miss them... :(
7) My job. I lost so many clients this year, I'm not sure I'm even considered a Stylist anymore. It's like... There is a place I go... where I do a couple of people's hair... every once in a while. It blows. Everyone is broke. Therefore... so am I.
8) I got a citation for 'Disturbing the Peace', because my neighbor had a Halloween party. WHAT?!?! I haven't even spoken to a police officer in a decade. This year we had them here on 4 separate occasions... (and I now have a record? Ew.) which brings me to the next number on my list...
9) The Ghostess with the mostest. (As we lovingly call it...) My Daughter, you know... the one who bawled on New Year's Eve... got up in the middle of the night to find a 'person' creepily sitting on my couch, 'communicating' with my dog. We told her it was her Dad, and she bought it (kind of) but we had no choice but to have the police come and investigate. People are weird, and we live on a public park... you just never know. Turns out, the officer was a believer in the spirit world, and chalked it up to we have a ghost. Super. (However, I was already aware of this... as strange children have been spotted in the background of pictures with my own children... Wanna come over? You can sleep on the couch? All alone with our new 'friends', who may, or may not, also have PMS?) :)
10) Not sure if I told you, but... my Son got hit by a car on his bike, and was left bleeding and unconscious in the street. For real. I mean... hit and runs happen all the time, right? 2011 was just prime time for happenings such as these. Nobody ever came forward, and I spent that dreadful, 35th birthday of mine, at Childrens Hospital. It was, perhaps, the worst thing I have been through. Coming around the corner and seeing my kid... Ugh. Again... no need to elaborate.
11) My kids were both put in a before school reading program for some 'extra help'. Which... is the school's secret way of telling me that I failed as a Mother.
12) I was sicker than a dog for most of the Summer. Including Girls' Weekend. Oh... and had a double kidney infection in the Spring. Oh... and my Gal Bladder was failing for a minute and I had 19 (well...4...) doctor's appointments before they figured it out. I even got to drink ishy, chalky, butterscotch (Or butt and crotch) stuff and have a crabby old lady take pictures of my insides. Stressed out much? When in doubt... just get really sick...
Blah blah blah... tons of other crap... and now here comes the holiday season...
13) Thanksgiving came and went with no real event. It was beautiful outside, and we were all at Grandpa Norris's house. He had just come home from the nursing home. He had been in rehab for his broken hip. Cuz... yeah... he fell and broke his hip in 2011. Shocking. We all got along, ate like pigs, and played football outside. Nobody threw cutlery this year, and my Mother in Law even left her wig at home, as some of the hair she lost during Chemo is slowly, but surely, coming back. I actually thought to myself... Could things be looking up? Whoops... spoke too soon. 2 days later we get a call "Grandpa didn't make it through the night." We had to go to my Grandfather in Law's house... with my bald, breastless Mother in Law, who just found her deceased Father... and sit with his body for 2 hours until the funeral home FINALLY came to get him. My poor Husband. His Grandpa was like his 2nd Dad. But... it's 2011. Buckle up... it just keeps coming.
14) My Son lost his marbles after loosing Great Grandpa Norris. He was very close to him, and has already had a rough go of things this year. He lost it at the funeral, and cried for 3 days prior to it. My poor, sensi, baby guy. :( His lip is still not quite 'right' after his accident either... and when he sobs... it gets stuck to his top teeth... and... Ugh.
15) Someone stepped on my foot...really hard... wearing a man boot... and broke my pinky toe. It just is what it is.
16) About a week before Christmas, (Crunch time, as I call it) we got a 5:00 am. wake up call from my Father in Law. He needed to be rushed to the emergency room. And we have to take his dog. His ginormous, 13 year old, Golden Retriever... who hasn't had a bath in 3 years... I'm sure of it. Welcome back, sinus infection. We had him for 4 days. Long enough for me to bathe him, fall madly in love with him, and have to give him back. :( Miss you, Renegade... Mama loves you... :)
17) In the meantime... Christmas has arrived. As I check facebook... I keep seeing pictures of elves in various 'wild and crazy' places and positions, and the guilt/panic sets in. Thanks, overachieving Moms out there. I haven't even had time to hit Toys R Us. I bet your kids haven't shed one tear this month as they oohd and ahhd over your Christmas genius. Mine have been bawling for months. That sure is one loco elf you have there... you bitch. :) I never got around to sending Christmas cards either. First time in 11 years. What a Christmas loser. I also had Amazon and ebay screw up some deliveries, so I needed to get my ass in gear, and finish my list. (Or... ListS) We went into 'get 'er done' mode... and eventually...well... got 'er done. Then I drank wine for 3 straight days... burned out my liver, gained 63 pounds, and eventually broke my finger while playing Wii bowling. (Unfortunately it wasn't my middle finger...that would have been the topper...to it all...) :) That, also, just is what it is, and an appropriate ending to what may have been the oddest, most stressful year ever.
I have intentionally left out several things in this list. It was also the year of the salon debacle, the toenail debacle, close friends losing parents, birds dropping from the sky for no apparent reason, divorces, dance stress, and a whole lot of other stuff. I'm not complaining, really. Just trying to remember to appreciate a good day. Even though I cried more this year than any before... I also laughed a bunch, felt all sorts of support, and tried to embrace all of this as lessons that I clearly needed to learn. I'm convinced that after this year, I can get through pretty much anything. After handling everything from disappointment, death, loss of friendships, sick parents, finding a gray eyebrow hair... to a broken kid... I am now a stronger person. So there. :) It was what it was, and here's to moving forward and making this year one of the best! So far, it has been 50 degrees since November, there is no snow on the ground, my Husband got good news at work, I had 2 new clients at work, my finger is better, and all of my Christmas stuff is FINALLY put away. Moving on. How is THAT for a positive attitude?! :)
1) My kid (Who I'm assuming is psychic) bawled her eyes out on New Years Eve. This just dawned on me the other day, and it totally made sense and weirded me out. Totally set the stage for what was to come. I sent her to a friend's house this year... so I wouldn't even see her reaction. Genius on my part. Or just plain paranoia.:)
2) It snowed like the dickens alll Winter. Starting in early November. I'm not talking a few, garden variety blizzards either. I live in Minnesota. I expect those. I'm talking every weekend, we got 648 feet of snow. Every weekend. Even in May. I was drowning in SADD... with no end in sight. For real. It was brutal...
3) My friends. This has been a year of forgiveness, battles, words, learning, struggles, coping, making up and 'breaking up' with people who mean so much to me. I have felt like I'm back in high school, and also been proud of myself for standing up for 'this guy'. :) My closest friendships have been tested... some have failed. All in all, it was just a tough year. I think we all had PMS for 12 months. (Or maybe it was just me... it's possible...) :)
4) I turned 35. Now... this may not seem like the end of the world for some people... but it was a very tough time for me. I'm now officially too old for most things I enjoy. I will never be able to go to a bar downtown again without feeling like a creepy cougar, and I have maybe 3 eggs left for reproductive purposes. Those 2 things alone are hard enough to swallow. I also can no longer be on the birth control pill and smoke simultaneously, shop at Wet Seal or forever 21, correctly wear the latest trends, overdo jewelry, get a tattoo, or any of the things I used to do. After all, I am now, for all intents and purposes, technically 40.
5) My Mother in Law was diagnosed with, and eventually beat, Brest Cancer. Many surgeries, treatments and... well... I need not elaborate... it just sucked. Especially the part about me having to shave her head. Nobody should have to do that for someone they love. But, yet... you should be able to lean on someone you love to do that for you? Ugh... it all sucked.
6) Some of our closest friends moved to Texas. These are people that are like family to all 4 of us, and we spent a lot of time with them. My kids were crushed. Tried to find the silver lining in that by saying we now have a reason to visit, and give Houston a real problem... but we can't afford to fly all 4 of us down there. Miss them... :(
7) My job. I lost so many clients this year, I'm not sure I'm even considered a Stylist anymore. It's like... There is a place I go... where I do a couple of people's hair... every once in a while. It blows. Everyone is broke. Therefore... so am I.
8) I got a citation for 'Disturbing the Peace', because my neighbor had a Halloween party. WHAT?!?! I haven't even spoken to a police officer in a decade. This year we had them here on 4 separate occasions... (and I now have a record? Ew.) which brings me to the next number on my list...
9) The Ghostess with the mostest. (As we lovingly call it...) My Daughter, you know... the one who bawled on New Year's Eve... got up in the middle of the night to find a 'person' creepily sitting on my couch, 'communicating' with my dog. We told her it was her Dad, and she bought it (kind of) but we had no choice but to have the police come and investigate. People are weird, and we live on a public park... you just never know. Turns out, the officer was a believer in the spirit world, and chalked it up to we have a ghost. Super. (However, I was already aware of this... as strange children have been spotted in the background of pictures with my own children... Wanna come over? You can sleep on the couch? All alone with our new 'friends', who may, or may not, also have PMS?) :)
10) Not sure if I told you, but... my Son got hit by a car on his bike, and was left bleeding and unconscious in the street. For real. I mean... hit and runs happen all the time, right? 2011 was just prime time for happenings such as these. Nobody ever came forward, and I spent that dreadful, 35th birthday of mine, at Childrens Hospital. It was, perhaps, the worst thing I have been through. Coming around the corner and seeing my kid... Ugh. Again... no need to elaborate.
11) My kids were both put in a before school reading program for some 'extra help'. Which... is the school's secret way of telling me that I failed as a Mother.
12) I was sicker than a dog for most of the Summer. Including Girls' Weekend. Oh... and had a double kidney infection in the Spring. Oh... and my Gal Bladder was failing for a minute and I had 19 (well...4...) doctor's appointments before they figured it out. I even got to drink ishy, chalky, butterscotch (Or butt and crotch) stuff and have a crabby old lady take pictures of my insides. Stressed out much? When in doubt... just get really sick...
Blah blah blah... tons of other crap... and now here comes the holiday season...
13) Thanksgiving came and went with no real event. It was beautiful outside, and we were all at Grandpa Norris's house. He had just come home from the nursing home. He had been in rehab for his broken hip. Cuz... yeah... he fell and broke his hip in 2011. Shocking. We all got along, ate like pigs, and played football outside. Nobody threw cutlery this year, and my Mother in Law even left her wig at home, as some of the hair she lost during Chemo is slowly, but surely, coming back. I actually thought to myself... Could things be looking up? Whoops... spoke too soon. 2 days later we get a call "Grandpa didn't make it through the night." We had to go to my Grandfather in Law's house... with my bald, breastless Mother in Law, who just found her deceased Father... and sit with his body for 2 hours until the funeral home FINALLY came to get him. My poor Husband. His Grandpa was like his 2nd Dad. But... it's 2011. Buckle up... it just keeps coming.
14) My Son lost his marbles after loosing Great Grandpa Norris. He was very close to him, and has already had a rough go of things this year. He lost it at the funeral, and cried for 3 days prior to it. My poor, sensi, baby guy. :( His lip is still not quite 'right' after his accident either... and when he sobs... it gets stuck to his top teeth... and... Ugh.
15) Someone stepped on my foot...really hard... wearing a man boot... and broke my pinky toe. It just is what it is.
16) About a week before Christmas, (Crunch time, as I call it) we got a 5:00 am. wake up call from my Father in Law. He needed to be rushed to the emergency room. And we have to take his dog. His ginormous, 13 year old, Golden Retriever... who hasn't had a bath in 3 years... I'm sure of it. Welcome back, sinus infection. We had him for 4 days. Long enough for me to bathe him, fall madly in love with him, and have to give him back. :( Miss you, Renegade... Mama loves you... :)
17) In the meantime... Christmas has arrived. As I check facebook... I keep seeing pictures of elves in various 'wild and crazy' places and positions, and the guilt/panic sets in. Thanks, overachieving Moms out there. I haven't even had time to hit Toys R Us. I bet your kids haven't shed one tear this month as they oohd and ahhd over your Christmas genius. Mine have been bawling for months. That sure is one loco elf you have there... you bitch. :) I never got around to sending Christmas cards either. First time in 11 years. What a Christmas loser. I also had Amazon and ebay screw up some deliveries, so I needed to get my ass in gear, and finish my list. (Or... ListS) We went into 'get 'er done' mode... and eventually...well... got 'er done. Then I drank wine for 3 straight days... burned out my liver, gained 63 pounds, and eventually broke my finger while playing Wii bowling. (Unfortunately it wasn't my middle finger...that would have been the topper...to it all...) :) That, also, just is what it is, and an appropriate ending to what may have been the oddest, most stressful year ever.
I have intentionally left out several things in this list. It was also the year of the salon debacle, the toenail debacle, close friends losing parents, birds dropping from the sky for no apparent reason, divorces, dance stress, and a whole lot of other stuff. I'm not complaining, really. Just trying to remember to appreciate a good day. Even though I cried more this year than any before... I also laughed a bunch, felt all sorts of support, and tried to embrace all of this as lessons that I clearly needed to learn. I'm convinced that after this year, I can get through pretty much anything. After handling everything from disappointment, death, loss of friendships, sick parents, finding a gray eyebrow hair... to a broken kid... I am now a stronger person. So there. :) It was what it was, and here's to moving forward and making this year one of the best! So far, it has been 50 degrees since November, there is no snow on the ground, my Husband got good news at work, I had 2 new clients at work, my finger is better, and all of my Christmas stuff is FINALLY put away. Moving on. How is THAT for a positive attitude?! :)
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