Pinterest... A Mixed Bag Of Emotions? Perhaps...

I recently, after much time spent avoiding it, got sucked into the vortex that is Pinterest. It may be one of the strangest things I have ever been wildly addicted to. It still makes no sense to me, and makes my head spin, and eyeballs ache. Is there a reason why we need to have THIS much information all in one place? And why does it make me feel so many things? It really does. Maybe I'm not ready for this kind of roller coaster. (Or...I'm just nuts...) I have an intense urge to break down these emotions, however... by number.

1) It makes me feel sad.
I know that may seem odd... but it does. I go into the 'Everything' page (Filled with 'pins' from perfect strangers... and why I'm seeing their things is beyond me. I feel like a Peeping Tom...) For some reason, I am clearly connected with a bunch of 25 year olds who recently gave birth, or peed their first positive results on a  pregnancy test, got married or engaged, bought their first 'fixer upper', threw/are getting ready to throw their first 'big girl dinner party', have all the time in the world to make overly detailed, and in my opinion, weird... crafts... that will NEVER turn out like the picture, (Lets just say they did turn out... why the HELL did you waste 3 hours making an ice balloon sculpture? Is it for your big girl dinner party?) and/or think that really bizarre braids and messy updos are the bomb... diggity?

Here's the thing... I'm fricken old. Like... I'm 35. I got married 10 years ago. It was a lovely affair for 400, of which I did all the planning in 3 months prior to, with... wait for it... NO INTERNET! It was all of my own ideas. My invitations were from a book that my Mother in Law has at work. I had 200 to choose from, and was completely overwhelmed. I didn't make them from scratch.. inspired by someone else's 'pin'. (Copycat?) Hell... I don't even have digital pictures from my ancient wedding. I had 200 proofs from negatives, (Once again... completely overwhelmed) and they are now in a book. Also something I didn't make. :) My centerpieces were hand-me-down fishbowls from a friend's recent wedding. I filled them with fish. It was totally queer, and I'm still kinda sad about it. Don't get me wrong... I loved my wedding. It's just... Where the hell was Pinterest then, huh!? :) Mama could have used to look at some fancy ideas... while breast feeding her brand new baby, and planning a wedding! Just keepin' it classy... :)

We also bought our house 11 years ago. We have redone every room in it (7 times each... I swear) and I didn't get to look at any cool ice balloon sculptures, or dream closets for inspiration. My house is just... done. Thank you, Pinterest, because now I want to do it all over again. It makes me sad that I missed so many neat ideas. (Maybe we could quit 'pinning' pictures of weird, fish cave bedrooms, though... it freaks me out.)

Another bummer is all the baby pictures and projects. Lets just rub it in that I can't have any more babies. (Per my Husband's demands) It hurts my feelings. I seriously want to make some shit out of onesies and locks of hair for my kids. My 8 and 10 year old kids. I also want that hat for one of them that looks like a boob and nipple... for breast feeding babies? I love it! For real... Where WAS this shit?!

I've thrown lots of dinner parties. Most of them consisted of too much booze, not enough food, and late night dancing... in my living room that doubles as a dance floor. Good times. BUT, I would have LOVED to have had some little roll ups, and fancy beverages... sipped out of decorated jars. I would have made name cards out of corks, and centerpieces that would have just 'wowed' you. (I'll be sending an invitation for my next dinner party soon... there's no way around it...) I'm sad that my last dinner parties have failed to live up to Pinterest standards. Those days are over. :)

As for the crafts... my crafts would kick any craft on Pinterest's ass. I'm not sad about that. In fact... some of the crafty biz I see, with captions like "I'm SO gonna have to try this!! I've never seen ANYTHING cuter!" Followed by 36 hearts... make me shake my head in bewilderment. I sometimes want to comment on these strangers' pins, and say "Mmmmkay... are you really gonna have to try this? Like..... why is it so imperative that you do this?" and follow it with 37 hearts... just to one-up them. :) But I won't. I'll just wait till they pop out that first baby, and they realize that none of that is actually realistic. They, too... will be old and bitter like me one day.

2) It makes me feel insufficient.
Ok... I am  a Hair Stylist. That is what I have done for a living for 18 years. I'm pretty well seasoned in my field. Or, at least I THOUGHT I was seasoned... until  I went on Pinterest. I find myself saying "How on earth did that chick get that braid to wrap around her head, turn at a ninety degree angle, swing back around, fray a little in all the right places, somehow get dipped in rainbow colors and sprinkles, then back over her forehead and down to the floor?" I am baffled... and clueless. Seriously... no effing clue how they did that. I am insufficient.

I also feel insufficient because my bank account just can't afford to keep up with all of these 'pins' that I want to keep up on. (Maybe if I could figure out that braid... someone would pay me to do it for them? I don't know... might work...) I want those closets and kitchens... but where would I put them? My house is even insufficient in the Pinterest world. :)

3) It makes me feel stressed out.
Let's face it... there is just too much to look at. That would stress out even the most mellow stoner on the planet. It just would.

4) It makes me confused.
Obviously the overwhelming part of it is confusing. That being said... where else will you find an inspirational weight loss poster... pinned right next to a brownie/cookie/cake/muffin... casserole? That confuses me. I sort of dig the irony... but it's confusing, nonetheless. Once I get more pinning practice, perhaps some of he confusion will subside. Until then... whatdoesallofthismean?!! :)

5) It makes me feel ashamed.
Not only am I looking at strangers' wishes and wants (And coveting them... like they really have them or something like that) but I find myself wishing ill on the owners of those closets and kitchens. Maybe they will bequeath them to me... if only they would take ill and croak. Shameful. I'm also ashamed at my reaction to the food. I do have an inner fat kid, and she has a hay day on Pinterest. I swear... one of these days I'm going to wait until everyone is gone, and make one of those delicious looking cake/cookie/brownie/muffin/caramel casseroles... and eat the whole damn thing... while nobody is looking. But then... I'll be even MORE ashamed when I see the inspirational, weight loss poster underneath it. Or the outfit.. complete with purse, earrings, shoes and scarf, that someone just pinned... that will clearly not fit me now. Because I ate that casserole. Vicious cycle. Oh, the shame.

But it mostly makes me feel...

6) Happy and inspired!
Don't get me wrong, I am not surprised I am absolutely addicted to Pinterest. It is right up my alley. I thoroughly enjoy having grown men follow my board called 'Yummies'. I love when people repin my shit. I love getting new ideas for dinner (Whether or not I make them is still up in the air) I love the idea that everyone's ideas are great. (Except some of the crafts... and fish cave bedrooms. But who's judging? Oh, that's right.. I am...) :) It makes me happy that 25 year olds are getting married and having babies. Babies who will, no doubt, have the coolest bedrooms on the block, and shit made out of locks of hair and onesies. I'm inspired by the way some people are SO into food... that they can't take it, and make hearts, when they come across a recipe for Caprese Chicken, or lasagna. It makes me smile that we can envelop ourselves in some down right harmless, yet ridiculous, 'wishboards'. Full of stuff that has impacted us or made us 'want badly'. Who knows... maybe some day I will have that kitchen with the fabulous island. Or that closet... full of shoes. Until I do... I'll just keep looking at all of this as good, clean fun. (It is all fun and games, until that casserole actually materializes..) :)

I must go now... I found a fantastic recipe earlier. I need to go share with all my grown men following Yummies. (Why is that so funny to me?)

Happy Pinning!!

Half-Assed, Yet Wholeheartedly. Confused? Me Too... :)

Just like most things in my life these days, Jillian was like a fart in the wind. Gone before I could smell (Or, if you are my Husband's fart...taste...) the results. It has been 2 weeks since I popped in that DVD. I'm kicking myself... but I'm also happy to be walking upright again. And without all of the yelps and whimpers, randomly shooting out of my mouth. Not to say I will never dust it off again... I'm sure I'll muster the gumption at some point... but I'm over it. For now. Call me a quitter... or a loser... what ever floats your judgmental boat. Jimmy is cracking corn right now... as we speak... and I don't care. :)

I am, perhaps, in a half-assed rut. Lately, I'm feeling I'm doomed for a life of 'halvsies'. I keep doing so many things... half-assed.. and not really caring like I used to. I have never been a quitter (Ok... let's not talk high school. That was different... ishy circumstances I won't get in to...) Maybe this new 'nonchalant' attitude comes from the wisdom of my old age... I hate being stressed. Let's face it... striving for perfection is stressful. Or... maybe it is just... I'm 'busy' and don't care. I would hate to think I just givethefuckup. That isn't in my nature. (I don't think anyway...) I was just talking to a girlfriend about all of this, and... even after all of her old lady wisdom... I'm still not sure why I have become this way.

Ever since I can recall, I have been relatively anal retentive, and a perfectionist. I like to win. (Just ask my Sister... she STILL won't play a board game with me, or any sport... of any sort) With most things I put my mind to, I would succeed. (With the exception of Synchronized Swimming. Another fart, in the wind that is my life. But let's face it... who gives a shit.) When I was young, I was a straight 'A' student, consistently on the 'A' Honor Roll. I was in all advanced placement classes, and was even a peer tutor for Geometry. A total nerd/bookworm. I did that with everything I had and loved it. I was the 'smart kid' that had succeeded in making sure no boy would ever want to kiss me. Ever. (Hence, the Synchro Swimming) As long as I continued to get my extra credit done, I wouldn't have time for such nonsense anyway. Again... I was the smart kid. I won. (?)

Lots of acknowledgements later, tons of perfect report cards, 'winning', yada, yada, yada... Suddenly, I had boobs. Game changer.

I didn't just get regular old boobies, either... I got full C, 'I need an underwire ASAP', boobs. Overnight. I couldn't even do THAT half-assed. It was full Cs on my 110 pound frame... or nothing. (Thanks, Grandma Comfort.) I hate to say it, but with those boobs, it was a natural reaction to give up my bookworm lifestyle. We moved to a new city right before these were sprung on me, and I had so many new boys to 'explore'. I had a new curiosity about what other kids, (you know... those B and C students...) were doing. I had new friends, new boobs, new boys and a new outlook on life. My poor Dad.

Shortly thereafter, I had my first real boyfriend. He was kind of a stud (In my 14 year old mind... and still is, in his own, to this day) :) We didn't have a normal 'teenage' relationship either. it just had to be over the top... or I wasn't having it. There was nothing half-assed about our 8 years together. Nothing. I even gave up Cheerleading, to ensure my full attention was on his Hockey. All or nothing, ya know!? :) That's how I do!

A bunch more 'non half-assed stuff' went on in here... and then I chose my 'after high school path'. Cosmetology School.

My Mom was a Hair Stylist. 'Hair Dresser', as they called them, way back when. I knew I loved everything to do with hair. I grew up watching my Mom do her thing... and then I would practice on my poor, undeserving, friends and neighbor kids. I found I  did have a knack for it, however. They looked pretty. I won. My family always had big ideas for me. Me, being the 'smart kid', had given them false hope :) A few choice members of my family were actually appalled when I took the 'easy way out' and did hair. I was gonna show THEM!! After my (heavy, early twenties) drinking, got in the way of a bunch of stuff (Again.. not gonna go into it. But I also did the 'partying' thing to the utmost degree.) I went on to have a fabulous career with a salon that I stayed with for 6 years. Not bad for my first real job! I got myself a brand new townhouse, 4,000 roommates, a brand new wardrobe, tons of vacations (Including Europe for a month) ... and a few newer habits. Mostly because I could afford it. And I was 'Winning'. (If you know me well... you know why this is funny...) :)

Then came my Husband and family... The end of my 'non half- assedness'

Becoming a Mom and Wife were the two most important things in my life. That goes without saying. But... ever since these people showed up... I am just not the go-getter girl I used to be! And I liked her. I miss her, almost daily, and wonder what would have happened to her if things would have been different. The old, over achieving me, (Sans hubby and kids) would have been kicking Jillian's ass in that stupid DVD! And I'm assuming she would be thin, well dressed, still pretty, and have lots of money. Her career would be amazing, and she would even own some shit. (Not just her 'skeletons'.... which she does own, btw...) :) She would reek of confidence, and get regular Botox. And sex. Probably lots of sex. She would have wild adventures, dreamy, tropical vacations, and a life would be full of the stuff that dreams are made of... Wouldn't she?

This new, more recent me... has half the energy, works only 2 nights a week, lives in sweatsuits, barely does anything with her hair, keeps the same makeup for years (Cuz it barely gets used), can't complete a 30 day workout program (Even though she USED to be the only human alive who could successfully complete the cabbage Soup Diet), drives a minivan, clips coupons, can't justify Botox (Or any other plastic surgery, for that matter), and spends her day cleaning up after, and doing other people's laundry.

Who are these people, you ask? These people who have made such a fancy version of myself, become this unfancy version of a 'cool chick' has-been? Those most important people who turned my career into a part time job, who leave their little belongings all over my house, are the reason for the minivan, and keep me so busy pleasing them that I don't even have time to blog or work out? They are my children and Husband. My family. And they make every bit of it worth my while, and that 'old me' a vague memory,  with one squeeze, "I love you" or "Thanks, Mom. You are the best" :)

I could spend my whole life wondering 'what if'? Or saying 'I used to'. But what is the point? Life is full of stages, and lessons, and...well... different things at different times. I will always own that Jillian DVD. And someday... I WILL do it for 30 days!! Until then... I will continue to get half of my shit done, and have my shit be half as important as everyone else's. The part of my old self that still remains... is that I will never take my job as a Wife or Mom in a half-assed manor. Jillian can wait... and so can my dreamy, tropical vacation. (I'll need to master Jillian before I step foot on a beach ever again!) And THAT... is not a half-assed statement. I am still winning. Even if half- ass turns into fat-ass... I'll take it. Take THAT, old me! I'm gonna go snuggle up one of my munchkins and dream about Banana Joe's. (The old me's favorite place. I can embrace the memories... right?) :)