I'm Onto You, Pinterest...

Once upon a time, (You know... about a year ago) I loved to entertain. I would find any reason to break out my fanciest dishes, platters, decorations and recipes... and gather everyone at my home, for any celebration possible. I'm (was) the girl who can whip up a shower or birthday party overnight. I have obnoxious collections in boxes, cupboards, and drawers... full of the necessary items to do so. It makes me happy to do it, and I get a sense of "I've got it handled" that gives me some sort of creepy pleasure, and makes me feel important. I have gone completely overboard with elaborate games, themes, gifts, etc. I never had an issue coming up with a neat, little idea to make the 'event' its own. I've had frantic phone calls from hosts of such events, the night before, needing my help. I, of course, smile sweetly through the phone and say, "Don't worry. I've got it handled". I show up with everything they forgot, or didn't have in the first place, and I get to feel like I saved the day. Hell, I even toyed with the idea of going into party planning. My holiday decorations were over the top, my tables were beautiful and creative, my food was well thought out, with surprises and shit. I, and everyone else, were always impressed with my efforts and outcome. I was Miss Dependable. All was right in my world. Then Pinterest happened...

Now, I'm not saying Pinterest is a bad thing. It's full of all sorts of awesomeness. In fact, I wrote a whole blog post about how much I love it. When I first joined, it was mostly recipes, outfits, shoes, braids, and exercise biz. I could log into that website... without stroking out. It was manageable. I could scroll through the pins of like... 8 people... and pin a few things that sounded scrumptious, or looked like might be fun. There were a few things that made me go, "Holy shit!! How did they DO that?!", but most of it was pretty run of the mill. I even revved up a few recipes, and made them 'better'. I got a few ideas for nights when I was having a dinner brain-fart, and that was that. Oh-em-GEEE.... has that changed.

After attending a few gatherings, and hearing other people say "Oh, it was nothing!", I thought I'd round up a few new ideas for my own repertoire. With Easter fast approaching, I decided to log into Pinterest to see what cute, little things people were showcasing. What can I bring to my Sister's house, that will get a few "Wows", and allow me say, "Oh, it was nothing!" a few times? I had a moment of panic. And a possible seizure? C'mon... What the hell IS all of this!?! Who has the effing time or energy to tackle all of this nonsense!? I used to know what I was doing with my life. Suddenly... I'm making hard-boiled eggs wrong. My toenails aren't fancy enough. My outfit is all wrong. My favorite dip, is now in the shape of a dinosaur. I'm cleaning all wrong. I buy soap... WHAT?! I found out what kind of baby I was having, in peace... without an extravagant celebration. I gave birth without a journalist and Videographer present. My kids had their pictures taken at Proex. My vases aren't homemade, neither is my shower curtain. People eat/decorate with Peeps. (I guess they are not just for ants anymore?) I don't do rounds of 64 sit-ups, followed by arm curls in a new design, and push-ups upside down, with my leg wrapped around my abdomen. My serving dishes don't hang from the ceiling, on homemade ropes or chains, or spin in figure-eights.... And my fucking head hurts. So long, Miss Dependable. Your shit sucks. It's time to step up your game. :)

After I pinned a bunch of stuff, (Just in case the masses are right, and I can wash my hair with table scraps) I logged out and went to a weird place. What is to become of my neat, little stuff? There is no way anyone would ever ask for my help again. Are they laughing behind my back? "Haha. Who needs that broad anymore?! If we want a ten-tier doughnut, edible flower and bacon cake... Pinterest will tell me how to do it myself. Did you see her decorations? I think some were from PARTY CITY!?!?" I will surely just be a guest from now on. I'm not actually needed anymore.

I feel like not only simple things, like showers/parties, have turned into three-ring-circuses... so have holidays. The mother of them all, being Christmas. Everybody knows... Christmas is the shit. You collect things your whole life, and display family heirlooms next to new items with pride. The more lights the better, and they are up in November. Your tree is the bomb, and Christmas dinner is something to behold. Could we not just leave it at that?!!? With the recent addition of the all important half-birthdays... we now have one special occasion... like, every flippin' month! 

Valentines Day used to be considered a "Hallmark" holiday. You buy cards... and maybe little tokens of affection for crushes, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands or wives. If you were in school, you would sign your name on 25 pieces of cheap cardboard, (Whichever design your Mom picked out at Walgreens) and give your classmates a Pixie Stick, along with their 'card', in their designated shoebox. Nowadays... the more over the top you go... the better. My kids came home with bags full of candy, toys and trinkets this year. No doubt, developed for Pinterest, by some mom who has time for an Elf On The Shelf. Happy Valentine's Day, 'I got all the time in the world lady'. Cupid called... he was wondering if you'd get a job? Or a hobby that doesn't involve my kids feeling ashamed by their measly package of M&Ms they brought? Ain't nobody got time for this... at all.

 Thanksgiving is another one. Yes, gathering with family and friends, and giving thanks to whatever you are thankful for is great. It is one of the 'bigger' holidays already. The food is good, and abundant. Families have their traditions in place, and everyone eats till they puke/nap, and it's a sort of 'kick-off' to the holiday season. It's the holiday (Family warm-up) where you reconnect with family members  you haven't seen since Christmas, and the reason you remember why you haven't. Well, not anymore. Now... it's the holiday that messes with every ounce of pre-holiday sanity you possess. According to Pinners, there are about 392 ways to cook a turkey. You better pick the right one, to avoid being the laughing stock of your entire family. Your stuffing needs about 15 new ingredients to be up to Pinterest standards, and sweet potatoes (Covered with Easter's stale Peeps...) are a thing of the past. You must now only use Yams. Don't get me started on the vegetables. Gone are the days of steamed... anything. You can't even have regular pumpkin pie with Cool-Whip anymore, without hanging your head in shame. You must have a homemade pie... with secret, expensive, elusive ingredients, in the shape of a cornucopia... filled with... various mini-pies? HELP!!!The whole thing is ridiculous. Can't I just eat some crap and get drunk so I can enjoy conversation with people I avoid most of the year?! Sheesh!

My 4th of July cake... decorated with berries, to look like a flag... is now not as cool as it once was. And, my Memorial Day stuff... well... we haven't done that yet. We just are happy to have a day off. Same goes for Labor Day, President's Day, MLK Day, and all the rest of them that only require theme parties if you are regularly on Pinterest.

Easter has always made me feel a little weird celebrating in extreme ways, being that we are not a religious family. We are the family who make it about family.... and the Bunny. I always though it was a tad out of hand that folks even made the bunny tracks out of flour, to trick their kids into thinking an actual giant bunny left them... while hiding baskets and candy... while they slept. ? Ok... So, the Tooth Fairy and Santa aren't stressful enough to pull off... let's add Giant Bunny? I have never been a fan. I just want to hide some eggs in the yard, dress up my kids, eat some food that I shouldn't... and drink some wine. And that is what I'll do... after I hide a bunch of fricken candy around my house, buy a bunch of itunes cards, make a Pinterest 'Peep cake'... and find some suitable, Pinterst approved, food to bring. :) There are some things I still must do for my kids... and for tradition's sake. Baskets being one of them. I didn't do it last year, and the disappointed faces still haunt me in the night. I don't want to take ALL the fun out of it, because I'm pouting about my lack of creativity compared to other over-achieving, 'look what I came up with' moms. :) Some things are just fun to do, no matter how fancy or extravagant they are. I'll tell you what, though... the first time someone makes me feel guilty that I don't have a naughty, Marshmallow Peep On Afuckingshelf... Bribing my kids into behaving... and switching out all the light bulbs with chocolate in the night... I will thunder-punch them in the neck. I refuse to participate in that. (For now) :)

Even if Simple things... like Holidays, redecorating your house, gardening, having babies, and cleaning... have been made into 'grandiose marvels' by things like Pinterest... I guess it doesn't mean that I have to throw in the towel. I can continue to throw parties, events and such.. and maybe even take a few pointers from a website. I'm still not going to go hog-wild, with time consuming additions to what I already do... but, hey, new ideas are sometimes fun! Right?! I guess everything is changing... and I better get used to it. It's no surprise, and not totally Pinterest's fault. Everything is bigger and more grandiose than it used to be... everywhere in the world :) I wonder what everyone will think of my new and improved deviled eggs on Sunday?!!? And my hand-crafted, chocolate dipped... other stuff that I haven't figured out yet :)

So, after all of this ranting and raving about how much I hate everything holiday and Pinterest related, I'm gonna go call some of my friends... see if they know of a cheap, architectural, baking class we could take... so I can come up with some sort of impressive, fourteen-tier, wine and Chuck Norris infused cake... just in time for Girls Weekend. My favorite 'holiday' of them all. :) Take THAT, Pinterest! Wait... can I get a trademark on that?! I better hurry... I think I saw a 6-tier one on there already... :)

Cheers! And Hoppy Easter! (I saw that whole 'Hoppy Easter' thing on Pinterest... so...) :)