Just like most things in my life these days, Jillian was like a fart in the wind. Gone before I could smell (Or, if you are my Husband's fart...taste...) the results. It has been 2 weeks since I popped in that DVD. I'm kicking myself... but I'm also happy to be walking upright again. And without all of the yelps and whimpers, randomly shooting out of my mouth. Not to say I will never dust it off again... I'm sure I'll muster the gumption at some point... but I'm over it. For now. Call me a quitter... or a loser... what ever floats your judgmental boat. Jimmy is cracking corn right now... as we speak... and I don't care. :)
I am, perhaps, in a half-assed rut. Lately, I'm feeling I'm doomed for a life of 'halvsies'. I keep doing so many things... half-assed.. and not really caring like I used to. I have never been a quitter (Ok... let's not talk high school. That was different... ishy circumstances I won't get in to...) Maybe this new 'nonchalant' attitude comes from the wisdom of my old age... I hate being stressed. Let's face it... striving for perfection is stressful. Or... maybe it is just... I'm 'busy' and don't care. I would hate to think I just givethefuckup. That isn't in my nature. (I don't think anyway...) I was just talking to a girlfriend about all of this, and... even after all of her old lady wisdom... I'm still not sure why I have become this way.
Ever since I can recall, I have been relatively anal retentive, and a perfectionist. I like to win. (Just ask my Sister... she STILL won't play a board game with me, or any sport... of any sort) With most things I put my mind to, I would succeed. (With the exception of Synchronized Swimming. Another fart, in the wind that is my life. But let's face it... who gives a shit.) When I was young, I was a straight 'A' student, consistently on the 'A' Honor Roll. I was in all advanced placement classes, and was even a peer tutor for Geometry. A total nerd/bookworm. I did that with everything I had and loved it. I was the 'smart kid' that had succeeded in making sure no boy would ever want to kiss me. Ever. (Hence, the Synchro Swimming) As long as I continued to get my extra credit done, I wouldn't have time for such nonsense anyway. Again... I was the smart kid. I won. (?)
Lots of acknowledgements later, tons of perfect report cards, 'winning', yada, yada, yada... Suddenly, I had boobs. Game changer.
I didn't just get regular old boobies, either... I got full C, 'I need an underwire ASAP', boobs. Overnight. I couldn't even do THAT half-assed. It was full Cs on my 110 pound frame... or nothing. (Thanks, Grandma Comfort.) I hate to say it, but with those boobs, it was a natural reaction to give up my bookworm lifestyle. We moved to a new city right before these were sprung on me, and I had so many new boys to 'explore'. I had a new curiosity about what other kids, (you know... those B and C students...) were doing. I had new friends, new boobs, new boys and a new outlook on life. My poor Dad.
Shortly thereafter, I had my first real boyfriend. He was kind of a stud (In my 14 year old mind... and still is, in his own, to this day) :) We didn't have a normal 'teenage' relationship either. it just had to be over the top... or I wasn't having it. There was nothing half-assed about our 8 years together. Nothing. I even gave up Cheerleading, to ensure my full attention was on his Hockey. All or nothing, ya know!? :) That's how I do!
A bunch more 'non half-assed stuff' went on in here... and then I chose my 'after high school path'. Cosmetology School.
My Mom was a Hair Stylist. 'Hair Dresser', as they called them, way back when. I knew I loved everything to do with hair. I grew up watching my Mom do her thing... and then I would practice on my poor, undeserving, friends and neighbor kids. I found I did have a knack for it, however. They looked pretty. I won. My family always had big ideas for me. Me, being the 'smart kid', had given them false hope :) A few choice members of my family were actually appalled when I took the 'easy way out' and did hair. I was gonna show THEM!! After my (heavy, early twenties) drinking, got in the way of a bunch of stuff (Again.. not gonna go into it. But I also did the 'partying' thing to the utmost degree.) I went on to have a fabulous career with a salon that I stayed with for 6 years. Not bad for my first real job! I got myself a brand new townhouse, 4,000 roommates, a brand new wardrobe, tons of vacations (Including Europe for a month) ... and a few newer habits. Mostly because I could afford it. And I was 'Winning'. (If you know me well... you know why this is funny...) :)
Then came my Husband and family... The end of my 'non half- assedness'
Becoming a Mom and Wife were the two most important things in my life. That goes without saying. But... ever since these people showed up... I am just not the go-getter girl I used to be! And I liked her. I miss her, almost daily, and wonder what would have happened to her if things would have been different. The old, over achieving me, (Sans hubby and kids) would have been kicking Jillian's ass in that stupid DVD! And I'm assuming she would be thin, well dressed, still pretty, and have lots of money. Her career would be amazing, and she would even own some shit. (Not just her 'skeletons'.... which she does own, btw...) :) She would reek of confidence, and get regular Botox. And sex. Probably lots of sex. She would have wild adventures, dreamy, tropical vacations, and a life would be full of the stuff that dreams are made of... Wouldn't she?
This new, more recent me... has half the energy, works only 2 nights a week, lives in sweatsuits, barely does anything with her hair, keeps the same makeup for years (Cuz it barely gets used), can't complete a 30 day workout program (Even though she USED to be the only human alive who could successfully complete the cabbage Soup Diet), drives a minivan, clips coupons, can't justify Botox (Or any other plastic surgery, for that matter), and spends her day cleaning up after, and doing other people's laundry.
Who are these people, you ask? These people who have made such a fancy version of myself, become this unfancy version of a 'cool chick' has-been? Those most important people who turned my career into a part time job, who leave their little belongings all over my house, are the reason for the minivan, and keep me so busy pleasing them that I don't even have time to blog or work out? They are my children and Husband. My family. And they make every bit of it worth my while, and that 'old me' a vague memory, with one squeeze, "I love you" or "Thanks, Mom. You are the best" :)
I could spend my whole life wondering 'what if'? Or saying 'I used to'. But what is the point? Life is full of stages, and lessons, and...well... different things at different times. I will always own that Jillian DVD. And someday... I WILL do it for 30 days!! Until then... I will continue to get half of my shit done, and have my shit be half as important as everyone else's. The part of my old self that still remains... is that I will never take my job as a Wife or Mom in a half-assed manor. Jillian can wait... and so can my dreamy, tropical vacation. (I'll need to master Jillian before I step foot on a beach ever again!) And THAT... is not a half-assed statement. I am still winning. Even if half- ass turns into fat-ass... I'll take it. Take THAT, old me! I'm gonna go snuggle up one of my munchkins and dream about Banana Joe's. (The old me's favorite place. I can embrace the memories... right?) :)
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