How Sweet Of You To Say That... Sort Of.

Ahhh... kids. They have this way of throwing you a back-handed compliment, yet melting your heart... all at the same time. It's like a passive-aggressive talent they all acquire at birth. I've had more than my fair share of that lately, with at least one kid being home sick consistently... on rotation... with the Bubonic Plague, since BEFORE CHRISTMAS! After some reflection this afternoon, I'd like to share a few of my favorites:

"Mom... Your new bikini top is really cute! Am I gonna have big, huge boobs like that, too? Or... is it just something you have?"

"Mom, thanks for these eggs. They are really good. Has Dad ever shown you how he makes them? His are reeeaallly good!"

"Wow, Mom. The phone rings all day long. You have a lot of friends. Is that why I never have clean socks?"

"I like that you are a young Mom. I bet everyone was mad at you when you had me so young!" (Mmmkay... for the record... I was 24. Clearly old enough to breed. So...)

"Mom, you are so nice to us when we are sick. We get to play video games, eat ice cream for breakfast, and not take a shower for lots of days." (I mean... it's cold outside, and ice cream does have some beneficial nutrients... and peanut butter... or something. Don't judge until you have to sit by them... they reek.)

The best one came at about 2:30 this afternoon. My Son and I were watching the show "The Doctors". (Or, it was on in the background... I was doing dishes and talking on the phone. I am not good at enforcing showers... or cooking... but I can multitask like a mother effer with my phone and cleaning duties. Its a gift...) They were talking about how if you pinch the skin on your elbow really hard, (I believe it's called your Weenis! My God that makes me laugh! It's obscene/embarrassing how funny I find that, actually. What am I? SEVEN!?) Ok... so... my kid came into the kitchen with a shocked look on his face, yelling about how, "It's true, Mom! I'm pinching this and I can't feel it!" I noticed he was pinching his weenis really hard, and said "Yeah, buddy! I already knew that!" (The whole time trying not to yell out WEENIS PINCHER!) He kinda scowled/snickered and said, "Huh.... how do you even know that? It's not like you went to college." (Oh, snap. I can handle the other bitch slaps lately... but that one is a digger... you get eggs for lunch AND dinner today.) I let it go, like a patient Mother who has completely had it with her children, and slowly started rinsing dishes again. I actually thought to myself, "Well... you're the one who pinches his own weenis and gets all excited about it" But I kept that to myself. What's the point? He's going back to school tomorrow... And I'm gonna get on line and find a college to attend. Out of spite. It's been a minute since I went to a frat party, anyway... might be fun :)

I think he realized I was pissed. He came back into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around me. (I'm surprised I didn't get a, "Mom... there's so much of you for me to love, I can barely get my arms around you!" But he refrained) He said, "You know what's funny, Mom? You are the smartest person I know... and you didn't go to college. How is that?" Ahhh.... redemption. He gets to live another day.

Now that I liked him again, I went on to explain how Moms and Dads can be extremely intelligent, and never set foot on a college campus, whatsoever. (That statement can be a slippery slope, when I've been drilling into him since birth that he WILL attend college. I'll deal with that later.) I told him that I have lived a pretty interesting life, I have learned a lot along the way, and I also went to Cosmetology school. I stopped myself before I got into the whole "You can learn so much more about life... while living your life..." stuff. I didn't really want to get into it with him,  and actually got offended (again) when he told me that Cosmetology school is not college. At this point it's Mom-0 Skylar-3. I'm just... not gonna get mad. He's 9. He doesn't even know yet, how bad it really DOES hurt when you pinch your own 'weenis' really hard.

I thought about why that made me so upset, and I think it's a pretty simple thing. I have spent so much time in my life trying to prove that I have a brain under all that blonde hair, I was not expecting to ever have to do that with my own kid. He should just know that I think I am bright. That I was a math tutor, and a straight A student until Junior year of High School. (You know... boobs, boyfriend, parents' divorce... I've already covered all that) He has seen me clear the whole board on Jeopardy, correct people's grammar, solve my own Rubix cube, make sense of mysterious homework, organize and run a household, run my own business, and retain way too many unneeded facts that mean absolutely nothing in the scheme of life. A lot of things that an uneducated, dumb ass couldn't very well do. (Well... I guess I think I'm pretty awesome?) :) He should know all of that... right? I mean, he did say "You are way smarter than Dad, and he went to college..." and he loves me. I'm his Mom. He isn't all of those other people who judged me by my appearance, and wrote me off as a blonde idiot.

Why does that bug me so much? I don't care what people think of me in most other arenas of my life. So what if you don't find me attractive? I could not care less. You can judge the extra 30 lbs I carry around, my mom-like attire, my lack of heat control on relatively cool days, and my sweat stache. You can scoff at my need to go out and rip it up from time to time, my need for control, or my new beard. But, you insult my intelligence and I go bonkers. So odd...yet, so easy to understand. I can't begin  to tell you the amount of times I have heard the words "Wow... I never would have pegged you as a smarty pants" Or, "Huh... You really DO know what you are talking about." My own Husband being one of those people. (You'd think we met at a frat party or something...) I have never understood that, but it just has always been the case. The shock on people's faces when I say something witty is priceless. You should see what happens when I shout out correct trivia answers at a bar. (In between sets with the band... Morgan?) People get all confused... :)

It has been a long few months over here, and I'm probably just being really sensitive, and at the end of my rope with all the illness. I'm an old lady now, and other people's first impressions of me aren't what they used to be. (Many of them taking place at Frat parties didn't help much...) :) It's funny what you carry through life to be sensitive about. It's not the end of the world that I didn't go to a college, for anything but parties. I can be a functioning part of society without a Bachelor's in Science... or... Art? Or a PHD in... anything. It doesn't mean I'm a lesser person, or have anything to prove. I can foil the hell outta someone's hair, and talk to anyone for long lengths of time, even if they bug the shit out of me, and I hate their... everything.  THAT in itself, deserves a PHD, if you ask me. :) 

I guess my take-away from this long, drawn out explanation of my intelligence and lack of collegiate education is... Don't assume people aren't something... just because they didn't go to college? No, that can't be it. How about, Be careful with back-handed compliments. You never know what they are going to drum up? Nope... not that either. I'm coming to the conclusion that there isn't a take-away from this. I just need to be less sensi when dealing with my 9-year-old. He is, in fact, a pretty smart dude. Eventually he will learn how to just not say things that will set me off. His Sister will most likely just get worse with the insults and back-handedness. Being passive-aggressive, and... well... a bitch... comes along with going through puberty as a girl. I know about that already, and am fully prepared to not like her for a while. :) There is also... Everyone is getting flu shots next year, and home schooling will never happen in this house. OH... and Dad's eggs are ALWAYS overcooked... so don't let kids be the judge of good cooking. :) If you need me, I'll be just be here... reading the encyclopedia. Getting educated. Not proving anything... just studying. I'll catch you at trivia next week. :)