50 Shades of... What The Flog Just Happened?

I just realized I haven't written in my blog for a long time. I've been a little 'tied up' with some other things. :) Dance season for one, having a garage sale, (Blog post about THAT to come) a bunch of other stuff... and reading the fucking 50 Shades trilogy that bothered me, intrigued me, bewildered me... and gave me a bad case of the 'what the fucks'. (Not to mention the yeast infection and Bacterial Vaginosis I got... just from reading it)  If you haven't succumbed and read "50 Shades Of Grey" yet... props to you. If you are planning on it... make sure you are ready. As it says overandoverandover in these books "We aim to please".

I gave in about a month ago. I had a few friends reading it, and talking about it non stop. Calling each other 'Miss so and so' and quoting the 6, redundant, phrases that are used overandocerandover in the books. But, what really got me, was all of the dance moms started reading it. I felt left out and kinda curious... and I figured it can't be as gross and BDSMish as I thought, or the church-going mom with 6 kids SURELY wouldn't be reading it. Right? Boy was I wrong. (I never knew I knew so many closet perverts) :)

Book one was obviously the beginning. It went a little something like this:

Awkward, shy girl... who blushes all the fricken time,  is sent to do an interview with a filthy rich, hotter than Hell, bachelor. She even cleverly trips into his office, cuz she is just so awkward. Then she blushes. He is immediately smitten and follows/stalks her and they begin dating. There is a lot of lip biting on her end. (Like... a lot of lip biting) and he runs his fingers through his hair so often that I'm pretty sure he has got to be suffering from self inflicted Alopecia. I'm pretty sure her incessant blushing is going to cause Rosacea as well. They are constantly 'looking through their lashes' at each other, (I mean... is that even physically possible?) and they have a lot of sex. Like a crazy... 4 times a day, every day, 'your lady biz has got to be inside out by now', amount of sex. He introduces her (And most of the female population ages 18-45) to the BDSM lifestyle. She is his sub and he is her dom. There are rules, a pedophile from his past, contracts, lots of fighting about when she will eat, more lip biting (It just drives him crazy and stuff), tons of blushing, and the first time in the Red Room Of Pain. Now, I'm no virgin, and I'm pretty sure I have seen a few things in my day, so I wasn't sure why I had the reaction I did to this playroom part. For that whole week, every person that made eye contact with me, was immediately in my mind, a dirty 'flogger' in the privacy of their own home. Everyone but me. It pissed me off, and made me feel like I was really missin' out on the good stuff. I was even plotting where I was gonna put my own 'Red Room Of Pain'. (Do the kids actually ever GO in the shed? I mean... I've never seen them GO in there... so...) :) There wasn't much of a plot in the first book, just mostly him grabbing her, taunting her, grazing her 'sex' with his thumb, and his 'erection' springing all over the place. (Not sure why those 2 words now bug me more than anything... the Author needed to step it up a bit with the wording. Nobody actually says that. FYI... It's weird.) I was completely fascinated and not yet annoyed by the repetitive writing, and the over usage of words like 'My Mercurial Man' and 'Errant behavior'. I may even have blushed a few times. He is her mercurial, Greek God, Fifty... and she is his errant Ana.. HIS. And it gets real creepy how 'his' she is. (Or... maybe it's just me...) Of course they break up at the end, so you just HAVE to spent 20 bucks on the next book of ill-written smut :) But who wouldn't? He IS sexy... and rich... and  so sexy... and he grabs her 'sex' a bunch. Must. Read. On.

I feverishly begin book 2... in the middle of the night. What is wrong with me?

I believe that book 2 is when they introduce the infamous silver balls. (Don't quote me... it all runs together in the middle of the night). I want those. Anyhoo... They get back together, he makes her eat a bunch, buys her some more stuff, and they have a bunch of sex. She explodes around him... and then blushes. Mr. Bossypants braids her hair, she bites her lip, they look through lashes, they email a bunch, they 'aim to please', and she makes a lot of 'good points, well somethingorother.' (I'm starting to skim) There is a helicopter debacle, and she can't bare to lose him. He can't bare to lose her. It makes her blush. They go have sex. Suddenly, something weird happens. I'm super pissed. Out of nowhere, in my mind, Christian has red hair and cig burns all over his chest... and a hairy... self? And she likes him? He needs to learn how to not be such an overbearing asshole. I'm like... mad at him. He's pouting... then she's pouting... and there is a lot of "SHIT! I made him mad!" And "FUCK.... he's pissed". Who cares, you male dependent idiot? Ok... thankfully the plot thickens (If you can call it that) and I'm still reading. Thank God for that crazy Jack man. There are some more lash peaking episodes and her 'sex' has got to be bruised by now from all the sexcapades. Ugh... She's gonna marry him? But he's so... mercurial. (Again) Self proclaimed 50 shades of fucked up. RUN, ANA! He bought your job! Please let there be a reason for this 'story'.

Book 3... Now I've invested and I have to keep going. Or... do I have to? Will someone just tell me what happens?If I read the words "Laters, baby" one more time... I will croak.

They have gotten married and gone on a honeymoon. She is topless for a hot second... and he almost kills her. She is HIS! I am starting to hate his red headed ass. He calls her fat. I hate him. His erection probably smells. SHOCK... He's pissed again... there is a lot of pouting in the tub and shower. (Ok... maybe his erection doesn't reek... but whatever...) The plot is set aside for some more sex. Then there is some more... sex. Ican'tbelieveI'mstillreadingthis. Somewhere around the part where she has gotten him to let her touch him (On his cig burns.. and she's bawling?)... I lose interest completely. He's all mushy and weird... and they are all emo. I miss the O.C. (Original Christian) the one who was hot, rich, and kind of an intriguing dink. and I'm just plain sick of it. I set aside 2 hours to just get it out of the way, and I skim the last half of the book. I think they have babies... I know they bought a house, they went clubbing? There is that crazy Jack again (To the rescue, from the reader's standpoint) There was some more fighting... and hold on to your hats.... they humped a bunch.

I realize I am no book connoisseur. Nor am I an avid reader. The last books I read were the Hunger Games. And... before that... The Witching Hour. I was in High School. :) These are just my thoughts... and I'm sure not everyone will agree. I know some ladies who were smitten from page one, all the way through to page 6,000. (Or... what felt like that) :) I'm glad I got through it, though... I feel like I accomplished something. And... you should hear my Sister's and my conversations about it. I have never laughed so hard :) I would like to thank Mr. Grey for all of his conversation starters, and ideas. (My Husband thanks him too) :) If you need me... I'll be in the shed... plotting... for my flogging :)

Laters, Baby :)