What Just Happened?

I have had a really hard time trying to process the recent goings on in our world. I haven't stopped crying for 2 days, and am at such a loss for the correct words... I felt I needed to ramble out a bunch of incomplete, incoherent thoughts... and hope some day I can make sense of it all...

I am not a religious person. I don't pray, and I don't fall back on churchie stuff in a time of need. However, this is one of those times, when I wish I had that in my life. Maybe those who speak to God would be able to explain this to me. Maybe a Priest or Minister would be able to shed a little light... or hope... onto the horrible, unspeakable, disgusting tragedy that happened yesterday in Connecticut. A madman opened fire in an elementary school. Brutally murdering 18 Kindergarteners, 6 adults, and 2 other students at that school. One of them being his Mother. Turning an entire country upside down, and ruining the lives of so many innocent people.... I still can't wrap my brain around it. I feel like my heart may explode from all of the sadness and empathy I feel. What the hell has this world we live in become!? I am raising children. Young, impressionable, compassionate... and somewhat desensitized children. This just makes me ill.

I spent the day glued to my tv... as most of us did. In shock, in tears, and overcome by feelings of hopelessness and confusion. HOW did this happen?! WHO would do such a thing?! Is this even real?! Who can we blame!? I don't understand. My babies are safe and sound at their own elementary school right now... aren't they? There are tens of thousands of elementary schools in this country... and this is happening in Connecticut, for crying out loud! Why is this too close to home, regardless of the fact that is clear across the country?! Is it out of line if I go pick them up!? They should be home with me. They are not safe. They are never safe. What do we do? Do we add more guns... to deal with all the...guns?! Do we move to London!? I really wish someone would explain prayer to me right now... I would pray my ass off for the rest of my life, if I even remotely thought it would help.

When my kids got off the bus and walked in the door, I burst into uncontrollable tears. The ugly cry. The kind you can't control... no matter how much you bite the inside of your cheek, or clench your jaw. There were facial contortions... and snot. I had no control. They were in such happy moods... shivering from their wintry walk home, wanting a snack, and asking if they could go play at friends' houses. My Husband hurried them over to me... and we hugged. We hugged for a really long time. I wasn't letting them go for anything. My kids know I only 'ugly cry' when it is necessary, so they were worried and wanted to know what was wrong. I had to tell them... didn't I? Ugh. Was I about to rock their little worlds?! What do I say?! That frumpy, Child Psychologist that was interviewed on CNN, said you shouldn't volunteer information to your children. Let them 'lead' the conversation. Mmmkay. Should I make them guess, then?! These are my children. The ones I hover over, incessantly. Part of me wants to make them sit down and watch every moment of coverage, and wrap their minds around the fact that this shit fucking happens. The whole, ugly truth of it. The other part of me wants to shuffle them off to play dates, go into protective mode, and pretend none of this even happened. They are too innocent and vulnerable to know the truth. We are not violent people. I don't allow guns in my house (Much to my Husband's dismay... big fight when we first moved in together... I won.) Hell, I don't even let my Son play those disgusting war games for the Xbox. (I'm the 'mean Mom' who won't, under any circumstance, have him engage in those, and half-judges other parents for allowing them... He has learned to just accept it...) I decided I would tell them a 'buffered truth'... and see what happens. All three of us are Libras. We hate violence more than anything. Since they clearly have never heard of such a tragedy... this is probably going to send them into a tailspin. Or, not...                               

My 9-year-old Son, who is so sensitive, he can't even watch "The Never Ending Story"... because Bastian gets tossed into a dumpster, said "WHAT!? Not AGAIN!! That's really sad. Why do people keep shooting everyone all the time!? I'm sorry, Mom." He hugged me really hard, and then went on the hunt for the cookies he smelled when he walked in the door. Okay... what? That didn't go quite as I expected. I guess he took that... fairly... well? Hmmm.

My 11-year-old Daughter sat next to me for a while... watching the first press conferences, and grown-ups crying on tv. She kept looking at me... tears streaming down my face... almost like she felt badly for ME. Like she didn't quite 'get' why I was so bent. This happens all the time! Why am I so upset?! She was visibly, a lot more shaken than her Brother, but I still didn't quite 'get' why she only had a couple of questions, and wasn't bawling right along with me! She said "I don't understand what would make someone so mad. Why would he DO this?!" and "I would never want to go back to my school. Ever again. Those poor kids."

I wasn't sure what to expect out of them. Would I have to console them, answer a million questions, explain a lot of stuff, and hold them and tell them it's gonna be ok? Or would I have to pick them up off the floor and rock them into submission?! The news people made such a big deal about 'how to talk to your kids about this'... I figured we were in for an absolute melt down. None of that happened. I've been set up! Something ain't right! Don't get me wrong... they were upset. They felt sad. Their hearts were broken... but something dawned on me. They didn't fall completely apart, because they really ARE used to this. This wicked, evil display of insanity. Mass shootings... and devastation. This, in some fucked up way, is their normal. Holy shit. That is a giant pill of "WTF" I'm not prepared to swallow. My poor babies...

Like I said... I don't allow guns in my home. Nor, do I believe everyone should be 'packing' at any given time. I'm not a fan. I guess you could say I am an anti-guns gal. (Go ahead and hate... I couldn't care less) I understand that there is no way to make guns illegal. I'm not an idiot. If somebody wants to get high... they can find illegal substances. If a man wants to bang someone, other than his wife, he can find/pay someone to do so with him. If somebody wants to shoot up a classroom full of babies... they can find the weapons to do just that. It's just that seedy of a world we live in. Anyting you want... annnyyyyting. Ugh. Gross. What makes me the saddest, is what it has done to our kids. With things like the internet, social media, and live footage of EVERYTHING... we have real-time access to every devastating event that takes place around the world. And everyone's points of view. (Whether or not you agree with them) Our kids are so used to seeing this, and digesting this... even in the background of their lives... they have become almost immune. Desensitized. I'm not ok with it. At all.

Even if you monitor everything you think they see... you are failing. If you think other people's opinions aren't heard by them... you are wrong. If you think that mass shootings, dead babies, and chaos are going to shock them into a state of despair... guess again. They are part of a new generation. A generation that has seen, live and up close, some of the most brutal acts of mankind. Heard words and discussions we never did. Have had to process so much... and mature so quickly... I'm actually grateful I'm not them. The never ending coverage of this tragedy, considering the recent pattern of this insanity, will definitely plant the seed in some mentally unstable mind, and it'll only be a matter of time until the next, big, mass shooting/murder. You can pray... and pray... and pray for that to not be the truth. But... like everything else... you'll be doing it in vain. It won't change the inevitable. It WILL happen again. I feel like I am going to throw up.

As I grieve for these Mothers and Fathers, who will not get to spend Christmas with their beautiful children, and the community that will never be the same... I have to remember my job as a Mother. I guess the best thing I can do for now, is to reiterate... over and over again... how important it is to see this as a learning experience. I can't fall apart anymore. I need to let my kids know how I feel about all of this, and make them talk to me about it. Coherently. There is a big part of me that thinks they have been molded into these desensitized, little beings... because we don't have the capacity to explain the things they know about at such a young age. I know some will take solace in the fact that these babies are now with God. In Heaven. Some will be grateful it didn't happen to them. Others will pass blame... It's the NRA's fault. It's the media... it's video games... When the truth is, it's not anyone's fault. It just is what it is. This is our world now. As sick as it is, we now need to treat this as our normal. We need to prepare ourselves, and our children, to handle epic tragedies in the manner we feel most suitable. And THAT... is a tragedy all on it's own.

I may say a little prayer tonight. I'll probably fail at that, too. (I mean... are ya there, God? It's me... Salina. Nice to... meet you?) We'll see how that goes. If it gives so many people hope... it's worth a shot... I literally don't know what else to do. Except hug my kids... and try to form complete thoughts at some point in the next few days? That may help, as well....

Rest in peace, all 26 victims. You will never be forgotten.