Call Me Crazy... But, Marriage IS For You. Both.

In the past couple of weeks, I've been seeing this same blog post appear and reappear, with all sorts of unexpected reactions attached to it. "It made me cry.", "This gave me chills.", "This is so right on!", etc. Call me crazy... or cynical... or selfish... (Just don't call me fat. That one hits below the belt.)  but I'm just not that into it. Kind of reminds me of the "Twilight" series. (Boy meets girl, both parties give up everything that makes them happy, and it's really dramatic and desperate? Or, maybe it's not like that at all?) I can't figure out what exactly bugs me about it, as much of what he said rang very true. Is it because I'm a woman reading a once selfish man's P.O.V? Is it because I'm selfish and don't realize it? Am I just too much my...self, that I can't dig it? I can't decide. I have decided that there's just one big thing that I can't wrap my head around. And that is... the whole premise of it.

Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of what he wrote. A year and a half into marriage, we all go through those same emotions. You are still figuring it out. You have all sorts of dreams and expectations when you say, "I do", and when those expectations don't come to fruition, and the honeymoon is over,  it's frustrating. I totally get that. I'm happy he has had an epiphany, and found his voice in his marriage. It's great that he is able to use that to fix what isn't working for him. Because, in using that voice, it is about him. And, in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with that.

I have been in a pretty successful marriage for almost 12 years now. I, like him, married my best friend. The person that completed me. The person I wanted to have babies with. The person who makes my life better... every single day. We do that for each other, but don't think for one minute, I didn't marry him for what he does for me. How he makes me feel. I didn't need him. I wanted him. There is a difference. I wanted him in my life, because he made it better... for me. :)

I was young-ish for today's standards when I got married. I was only a mere 25. We were  already  parents to a beautiful, healthy babygirl, we already owned our first home, we both had great careers, and a very supportive support system. Fully self-sufficient, and ready to start our next journey. Things were good! I had life by the balls, and was excited to wear my pretty dress, stand up with all my favorite girls by my side, and say, "I do" to my favorite guy! What could be more wonderful!?! My very wise Grandmother had given me some sage advice a few years prior to my big day. I was at the tail end of a very long, tumultuous relationship with my high school boyfriend. She, like the Father of the guy who write that blog, said to me, "If you can wake up every morning with that person, and think 'What can I do to make his life better today?', then you know you are with the right person." I was 100 percent sure I felt that way about my husband, and never had a moment of second guessing if he felt the same way about me. I had learned my lesson about being with a selfish partner. It needs to be about me, as much as/if not more than, it is about you. And I'm not sorry for that. Nope. Not even a little bit. :) It just goes to show, you hear what you are looking to hear. No matter who said it, or what it was. And we all are different people. In the end... we take what we want to get out of something, and run with it. And that's what is awesome. YOLO. :)

The first few years of our marriage were rocky, at best, many times. We had 'life' handed to us, as well as our asses, over and over. It was a time of learning, there's no doubt about that. We learned how each other deals with tragedy, stress, and loss. We learned when the other one's needs needed to be put ahead of our own. We learned that even though we were now 'married', we were still the same people we always had been, and we need to accept and appreciate that. We learned PMS should stand for "Putting up with My Shit". We learned to put each others' idiosyncrasies aside, and pick our battles. His nude feet, incessantly making figure-eights on the brand new rug, isn't cause for a war. Just pick up your socks. NEVER say the 'D' word. Ever. For any reason. We learned that in most cases, (Appropriate or not) laughter IS the best medicine. We learned that I don't clean the litter box, and he doesn't dust. We learned how the other one parents. We learned to compromise. We learned to be partners. Sometimes this marriage is all about you, sometimes it is about me. Saying "Marriage isn't for you" as a general statement, is the equivalent of saying, "Even though I despise meatloaf, we will eat it every night, because, my love, it is your favorite." Or... something like that. It just doesn't seem to be 'right' to me. I happen to like chicken. So... we will get used to chicken loaf. (Or, not get used to chicken loaf? As even the word 'loaf' makes me throw up a little bit in my own mouth.) :)

I am now 37, and have gotten to 'that' age. So many of marriages that we have known and loved over the years, have taken a turn for the worse. I have watched countless friends and fellow married people, focus too much on what to do for the other person, and change themselves completely to conform to the other one's expectations. I have seen that fail, and watched the people I love turn into these distraught souls, that can't figure out how to be a little selfish, or put themselves first. You only get one life. To spend it mainly trying to better someone else's... it just is a recipe for disaster. And counseling. I know women by nature are care-takers, most of us wanting nothing more than to be a good wife, friend, mom and person in general. I think we need to be careful when talking to our daughters about marriage. I know I, for one, will tell my daughter to never lose her self. The part of her that makes her... her. That is important to me, and I feel like I have set a good example for her in that way. Most of her Dad's and my first 'fights' were about me... trying to stay... me. (With a splash of the grown-up version of me. It had to happen eventually...) It wasn't easy, and is still a struggle. Like I said earlier, everyone is an individual, and requires something different from a marriage. (Can I use YOLO again here?!) Let's be honest... picking the most suitable partner for yourself is more than half the battle. It doesn't always happen. Not every marriage is built to last, and staying true to yourself can save you a lot of heart and headache when it's time to move on. As a child of divorced parents, and someone who has watched this happen to those I love... I take it even more seriously than most. If I make my whole existence about you... where does that leave me? (And this is where I lose all selflessness. #sorry/notsorry.) You can't protect yourself from life, or the shit-storms it throws your way, but you can be more prepared to deal with said shit-storms, if you have remained your true self. Sometimes it's all about me. And that has to be ok with you. :)

Obvi, no marriage is perfect. Every marriage has ups and downs. It's the name of the game. You are constantly growing and changing... and learning. It's more about figuring out what works for both of you. I have learned so much not only watching the demise of marriages I loved and respected, but from those that have remained strong through all the bullshit. There seems to be a common theme among those that withstand the storms. Mutual respect for the other person, unconditional love, and acceptance that every individual needs to grow and learn at their own pace. At the end of the day, marriage is about two people, and you need to be careful when saying "Marriage isn't for you". Because, without 'u'... there can be no 'us'. :) I, for one, may start a petition to change the word 'marriage'... to 'ME-arraige.' :) (I kid... sort of)

My husband and I renewed our vows on our 10 year anniversary. We wrote our own, sappy vows, and it was a wonderful way to reaffirm the fact that we are totally, 100 percent here for each other. I overheard him saying to a few of his buddies that night, (Who were giving him shit for letting me throw a 'second wedding') "Happy wife, happy life!" And that, my friends, is what got him laid that night. (And 3 weeks of free figure-eighting with his nude feet... on my rug. I DO love him and stuff) He definitely has learned how to put the 'u' in us... and the other stuff where it belongs. :) And I have learned when he has earned a little something for himself. :) For that, I'm forever grateful and lucky. Marriage is totally for me... and him. It's a win-win.

I guess I will file that blog I read into the same category as the "Twilight" series. I will never totally agree with the premise of either of them. Not to say it doesn't work to take some of what was said, and fully accept that it's not, nor will it ever be, all about me. I have been humbled and put in my place on many occasions. It's all part of the process :) As I mentioned, I'm very happy that guy has figured out to put his wife and her feelings first sometimes. Hopefully that was what needed to happen for them, and she does the same for him... and they live a long, happy life together! But, for now, I'm completely content in knowing that my marriage is for me, and at no time in my life, will I ever let my husband turn me into a Vampire :) (Although, the nakie-foot, figure-eights would be amazing at Vamp speed... hmm...) :)

P.s... I am now accepting recipes for a chicken loaf? I guess it has been a long time coming, and now I'm feeling guilty. Loaf is definitely NOT for me. :)