The F-Word C-Word

                                        
           "I'm so sorry. You have Cancer."

Just take a moment and think about that. I don't think any other sentence in the English language has the same impact on the human soul. (Unless, of course, Maury tells you, "You ARE the FATHER..." ?) The wild range of emotions that follows someone telling you that you have cancer, can only be equated to having your life flash before your eyes. Having to feel so many things that you never knew you could... or would. You have to simultaneously face your life as you know it... and how it will be from here on out. Nothing will ever be the same. The fear, the confusion, and the sadness are palpable. The facing of your own possible mortality is devastating. It sends chills up my spine just thinking about it. This horrible, insidious disease has a way of creeping into your life out of nowhere... and just... owning you. If you let it.

Cancer has always had a 'face' in my mind. When I was young and invincible, someone would say, "Cancer" and I would immediately think of an old, sickly person. Someone who was in the last stage of their life, surrounded by those they love, reminiscing and saying their tear-filled good-byes. My Grandfather had cancer when I was a teenager. He became my 'face'. We were in no way ready for him to leave us, but the blow was softened by everyone around us. "He had an amazing life" they would say. "He is heading up to that big party in the sky!" Like it was a good thing. Coming from a very non-religious family... I just ran with that. I didn't really get it, but it helped some. I had accepted it. Who wouldn't want to live a fabulous life, and then go off to party for... ever? What the hell is going on, here!? What they didn't tell us, was how horrible it was leading up to the 'party'. How the treatments almost killed him. How it spreads so rapidly. How he was in so much pain. How he was unconscious and mumbling half the time. We were young, and they just didn't tell us that part. I guess I get it in hindsight, as it's actually scary and awful, and it's their job to shield us from that. Nothing has been the same without my Bampa. I miss sitting on his lap, and having him tell me I'm his favorite. We ALL miss his silly self, cracking jokes, and being the best Grandpa ever. But, he's where he wanted to be now. He's at a party with his buddies... and he's just fine. Cancer got him in the end... but it's ok. Right? Cancer helps old people get to the party.

Then shit got real...

In my early twenties, a dear friend of mine lost her daughter to an awful, albeit short, battle with cancer. It rocked me to my core. Suddenly, cancer's face was a sweet, charming, funny, beautiful, perfect, nine-year-old girl! Hold the fucking phone. What?! There is no party anywhere that needs her! I don't understand. The thought of watching her mom go through that still makes me cry to this day. This isn't supposed to happen!! That's the wrong face!! I had an infant daughter of my own, and it was the biggest reality check of my life. Of course I had heard of children having cancer, but they are young and resilient. They are just supposed to kick it in its ever-changing face! It was one of those things in my life that changed me. I don't deal well with death, and have had way too much of it thrown my way, but this was different. I started giving money to any (and all) organizations that even mentioned that they help with children's cancer research. I donated things to hospitals. I wanted to grab a guitar, round up all the kids fighting for their lives everywhere, and cheerfully sing shit in rounds. But, I don't play the guitar, and that isn't gonna solve the problem. I felt helpless, and confused... but mostly angry. My GOD I hate cancer. Nobody actually 'wants' to go to the party. Fuck the 'party'. Fuck cancer.

I'm older and wiser than I was then. I have watched countless people close to me lose loved ones, young and old, from this awful... thing. The face of cancer is now more like the 'face-morphing phenomenon' in Michael Jackson's "Black Or White" video. It's almost too much to handle. We are all surrounded by cancer. Breast Cancer being the one that has flooded my personal space most aggressively. Personally, this one scares me the most. It used to be less scary. I almost felt exempt. You worried about Breast Cancer with a list of 'Ifs'. IF it is in your family. IF you didn't breast feed your children. IF you didn't have children. IF you used birth control. IF you were overweight, and a hormonal mess. Nowadays... it's more like... IF you have breasts. And that's it. It is no longer a matter of 'if'... it's a matter of 'when'. It terrifies me completely.

In my adult life, I have pretty much always known someone battling Breast Cancer. I have shaved many heads, cried both tears of sorrow and dread, and then relief when it's over. And then more dread tears when it came back. One of my best friends lost her mom to Breast cancer. It was a long, torturous, brutal, painful, emotional roller coaster. Another friend lost her young, vibrant, otherwise healthy sister. Children I know have lost their mothers. Husbands have lost their wives. Sisters have lost their other halves. The women battling this shit have lost their hair, eyelashes, breasts, anything that represents femininity and strength. It robs you. Not only physically, but also mentally. It robs you of being able to be the woman you once were. Nobody feels like a fierce woman... while bald, breastless, bawling and puking their guts out from chemo. It just isn't possible. And I know this first hand, from some very reliable sources. Both of my mothers.

A little over 2 years ago, my Mother In Law was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It was devastating. I always knew in the back of my mind that she would be ok. I don't know what it was that assured me of that... but she just had to be. And during her battle, I just had to go into 'Mom mode' and be as strong as I could be for my husband and my kids. She has been through so much... this is just going to be a little bump in her road. It's one thing to think those thoughts... but another thing entirely to follow through. The day I shaved her head was when I lost it. How can this be happening to her? To us? She doesn't deserve this, and neither do we! Who fucking decides this!? Who picked her name out of the cancer hat!? I'm gonna thunder-punch them in the throat.. whoever they are. It isn't fair. We love and need her too much. She is just gonna have to cancel plans to go to the party. And she did. Like I knew she would be... she is one of the lucky ones who can call herself a survivor. It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty. It tore us to pieces watching her go through this. In the end, she has kicked cancer's ass, and even jokes about the fact that after reconstruction of both of her natural breasts that are now gone... she finally has boobs!! :) Breast Cancer's one silver lining. If you can call it that. She's alive, she made it through, she has a story... and a c-cup. Life is good.

Then it was my own mom's turn. About a year ago, we found out my mom had a very aggressive form of Breast Cancer. You would think that JUST going through this with my Mother in Law, I would be a little more prepared for this news. It was the complete opposite. I kid you not when I say that was the hardest thing I have ever had to hear. I completely fell apart. I still remember her voice on the phone when she told me. She was trying so hard to be calm, and make it as easy as she could on me. I could tell she was in shock, and needed me to remain calm for a minute. But, here's the thing... You don't get a minute. It's real, and it's happening. Holy shit. It was like someone hit me with a brick... wall. Not my mom. No. Please, no! I can't do this. She is my person! She is my kids' person! She HATES parties! I'm bawling while I'm typing this. Even a year later, it's so fresh in my head, it's like it was yesterday. I was in no way prepared to do this with her. All of it. Any of it! I wanted to go crawl in a hole until it was over. My mom is the strongest, most opinionated, positive, Pollyanna-pants person I know. But none of that matters at that moment. I, like everyone else who has had this convo with their mom, wanted to just drive to her house and rock her in my arms. Or have her rock me? I don't even know. All I know is this is about to be the longest year of my life... Fucking cancer. Now... How am I gonna tell my kids?

Obviously, I could write a book about how painful and terrifying this last year has been. About how my sister and I held hands at the Pink concert, and ugly cried during "Just Give Me a Reason" About how I tried to picture my life without my mom. About how we tried to laugh our way through wig fittings and doctor appointments. About how chemo is the devil. About how I watched the strongest woman I know, turn into this fragile, tiny woman, who could barely get up the stairs... or breathe. About how none of us will ever be the same. About how much I hate the f-word c-word. But... I won't. She isn't going to change the face of cancer for me. It isn't gonna be her face. She recently had her last treatment, and is finally getting her life back. I don't know how to explain how this makes me feel. To see her now, is like having my old mom back. (Just with much shorter hair) :) She did it. She told cancer to take a hike, and it worked! Her strength and positive attitude through it all astounded me, and, I'm sure, helped her win the fight. She was fortunate that her husband is a doctor, she has health insurance, and she received phenomenal care. I know not everyone is that fortunate. They didn't lose their house from medical debt, and she didn't lose her life. Maybe there is a God!? (Yeah.... this shit does weird things to people. I did just say that.) :) All I know is that this year is going to be better. We are slowly, but surely, getting our mom back, and nothing else really matters to me. The people at the party can just wait. We are busy having our own parties down here... where we belong. :)

I wish I (Or someone doctor-like, maybe) had the cancer answer. I wish I knew why we are all just ticking, cancer time bombs. I wish there was no such thing as cancer. I wish I didn't worry so much about my daughter ending up with Breast Cancer... because, I think that is the hardest part. Watching the people you love the most battle it. It's the people left behind... the people that feel helpless, and can't do anything to fix you, when you have been temporarily broken by cancer. It is hard to accept that cancer is so commonplace in our society. It's just... everywhere. As much as it's easy to just feel like a sitting duck... waiting to have your name pulled from the cancer hat... it's at least comforting to know that it isn't always the end. I guess it's true.. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... or, whatever else Kanye would say. (WWKWD?!!?) But it doesn't make it any easier. I'm about as strong as I can be right now. I would like the c-word to just leave me alone for a while now. I've had my fill... bug off... beat it... No room at the inn... whatever. :)

This time of year, I love reading everyone's 'I'm thankful for.." posts on facebook. Some annoy me, but most of them are good reminders of what's important. 'Tis the season to be thankful, after all :) So, in the spirit of giving thanks, I just want to reiterate how thankful I am that this year is over, and we can now move on with our lives. I'm thankful for modern medicine, and having a wonderful, supportive Step-Dad. I'm thankful that I get to have BOTH of my moms here on Thursday, and neither of them have a drain, a stitch or a current treatment plan. Neither one let cancer own them. Mostly, I'm thankful that we are getting a reprieve from the f-word c-word right now. In years past, I have dreaded the holidays. The pain in the ass that they have become. This year... I'm looking forward to it all! Hell, I may even embrace the snow! In the scheme of things, and after everything we have been through... maybe it's not so bad :)

Happy Thanksgiving, and make sure you hug your loved ones a bunch. I'm looking forward to doing just that, and will never take it for granted again. The f-word c-word ain't gonna ruin the holidays for this girl! I will not be Black Friday shopping. I will be here, with my family, cherishing every c-word free moment! :) Gobble gobble!