Christmas in Minnesota... Two Ways.

If you were to say to someone, who does not live in Minnesota, the phrase "Christmas time in Minnesota" They would most likely have a visual that goes something like this:

In a rural area... a family of overweight, jolly farmers, loads up into their sensible vehicle and heads to the 'cities' to do some shopping. Their hair is amazing... complete with big perm and sensual mullet. The children have trouble seeing because their eyeballs are squished between chubby cheeks and thick bangs. There would also, most likely, be a loose cannon teenager...who is some sort of 'Emo'... moping in the back seat. On their way to the Mall of America, they would stop at Fleet Farm and Walmart. All the while, little, sparkly snowflakes are falling from the sky....and they are happy about it. Like it is some sort of Christmas miracle or something ridiculous like that. It goes right along with the Christmas carols they are singing (in unison) all the way there. It's pretty and somewhat 'magical'. They arrive at the mall and it is busy with happy, smiling people...who are being super 'Minnesota nice' and can't wait to give up their parking spot...because they have children with them. They go sit on Santa's lap for a family Christmas card picture...and everyone is smiling (Except Emo...but that goes without saying. The emotions are overwhelming...anybody bring a razor blade?)) The cashiers are thrilled that there are long lines of people waiting patiently to check out, and are super pleasant and talkative, while going back through their purchases and 'fixing' things they may have not given them the discount on. The sales associates at each store are eagerly waiting to show them the perfect gift for each person on their list. They nosh on exotic treats like Cinnabon.  They head back to the rural parts with full bellies, a completed list...and even Emo cracks a smile. All and all....the day is a success! Now they just have to wait for Santa to come! YAY!!

When in truth... it would go  a little more like this:

An exhausted, Suburban Mother, hustles her family in the car, kicking, screaming, and whining that it's cold and they would rather stay home and play video games. (Her Husband remains at home. He only buys one gift each year, after all. Something for her...that he makes a huge production about presenting to her. They all gather around and 'ooo and aaa' over his purchase. Something that is not even remotely close to the gift she was hoping for... the one she dropped hints about all year? But then again, it's the thought that counts. She doesn't want to seem ungrateful...) The all have bed head, because she couldn't get them to sit down long enough to comb that shit out. One kid has a fever and is coughing and sneezing all over the other children. Sure to spread those germs to unknowing patrons of whatever store that kid decides to wipe his nose on the cart of... but it doesn't matter. They DO make cart wipes that take care of that now...right? They will go anyway, because today is the day that there are sales, and she has an extra 30% off coupon.  She narrowly misses a head on collision... cuz it's fricken snowing... AGAIN. People are aggressively trying to get to the mall right along with her. She panics and just parks the damn car. They walk the equivalent of 5 city blocks to get to the door. The kids are pissed... but she's on a mission. She tries to get them to sing 'Let it Snow" and they all burst into tears and throw themselves on the ground in some sort of well thought out rotation. Did someone crap? They now all have a filthy, dirty mixture of ice, snow, and dirt... spackled all over their pants. Fabulous. Just Fabulous.
The mall is packed, and there are lines to get in to the door of each store for which she has coupons. Doesn't anybody work anymore? Aren't we in a  recession? They make a beeline for Santa. They wait for 45 minutes (Not too bad, actually) and when it is their turn... Creepy Santa scares the shit out of the youngest. Literally. He fills his pants, screams, and almost has a seizure from lack of oxygen. It ruins the picture that she sneakily takes, with her own camera, while nobody is looking. Oh well...it IS kinda funny. Kind of. Patience still somewhat in tact, and Christmas cards are done. (In theory, anyway...) :)
They head for the first store. There is a hot item there that she needs to get for her Dad. She rounds the corner... and some ass face is yanking the last one off the shelf. She could cry... but what's the point? She can't let that single man...with no children... know he got to her. She'll just go the same store, 45 minutes from her house, to get one. No biggie. Moving right along... there are 12 other people she needs to buy gifts for. Same thing happens with each item on her list. There is not one sales 'associate' in sight to help her find something... better? Or comparable? They are all super busy helping old, deaf people try different telephones...with large buttons. How hard is it? Pick a damn phone already!!! Ugh... Off to some quieter stores to get some suitable...yet not quite right... gifts, instead of the intended.
In lieu of yelling profanities in strangers' faces... she grabs the kids and heads to McDonalds in the food court. They haven't eaten in 5 hours, and the low blood sugar is keeping them awfully quiet by now. She almost thinks twice...but they need to eat. That actually goes well. They peacefully hound down McNuggets and fries. She breathes a sigh of relief, while lists... and lists about lists... are compiling in her head. Why do she and her Husband have to BOTH come from dysfunctional families? Nobody could bring themselves to just stay married? Assholes. Four families are just too much. Every year. Too fucking much.
She stuffs the 3 bags of 'not what I wanted...but it'll do' gifts into the car. Everybody falls asleep on the way home. They will all be up until dawn now...but she digs the quiet. She gets home and her Husband wants to see what she bought. She shows him and tries to ignore the "You payed HOW MUCH for this?" comments... and goes to lay down for the night. Her hair is stuck to her face and forehead, and her socks are soaking wet. She's too tired to do anything about it. That evil snow is the bane of her existence. But... all in all... the day was... a success? She tries to get some sleep because tomorrow she gets to meet her Mother in Law at the same mall.... so she can help her pick out the perfect gifts for her children and husband. Gifts that she thought of... and wants to buy for them... but can't afford. :)

I'm not cynical about Christmas at all... Just a realist. :) They tell you it is the "Most wonderful time of the year". They do... they tell you that from the time you are a little girl, and you believe it! It's a shocking realization when you become 'Santa'... and work your tail off to ensure everyone gets to feel  that way. Everyone except for you. :) As a Mom... even in the land of nice people... you WILL almost get run over by some snatch who thinks she's more important than you, and isn't paying attention, whilst on her very important phone call. You will stand in line for hours for a chance to save 6 bucks. You will be soaked in snow, salt and dirt mix. You will bend over backwards, sideways, and possibly forward, to make the season bright for those who matter to you. You will lose your finger prints from Scotch Tape being stuck to them. You will fight with strangers who 'got there first' but clearly don't 'need' that gift as badly as you do. Your tongue will swell from licking 200 envelopes and stamps. You will cry. But it's all worth it when you see their excited faces on Christmas day! That is what it is about now, right? The perfect gifts? :) Bottom line... Hug your Mom a lot more than usual during the Holidays. She deserves it! Ho ho ho!