I recently, after much time spent avoiding it, got sucked into the vortex that is Pinterest. It may be one of the strangest things I have ever been wildly addicted to. It still makes no sense to me, and makes my head spin, and eyeballs ache. Is there a reason why we need to have THIS much information all in one place? And why does it make me feel so many things? It really does. Maybe I'm not ready for this kind of roller coaster. (Or...I'm just nuts...) I have an intense urge to break down these emotions, however... by number.
1) It makes me feel sad.
I know that may seem odd... but it does. I go into the 'Everything' page (Filled with 'pins' from perfect strangers... and why I'm seeing their things is beyond me. I feel like a Peeping Tom...) For some reason, I am clearly connected with a bunch of 25 year olds who recently gave birth, or peed their first positive results on a pregnancy test, got married or engaged, bought their first 'fixer upper', threw/are getting ready to throw their first 'big girl dinner party', have all the time in the world to make overly detailed, and in my opinion, weird... crafts... that will NEVER turn out like the picture, (Lets just say they did turn out... why the HELL did you waste 3 hours making an ice balloon sculpture? Is it for your big girl dinner party?) and/or think that really bizarre braids and messy updos are the bomb... diggity?
Here's the thing... I'm fricken old. Like... I'm 35. I got married 10 years ago. It was a lovely affair for 400, of which I did all the planning in 3 months prior to, with... wait for it... NO INTERNET! It was all of my own ideas. My invitations were from a book that my Mother in Law has at work. I had 200 to choose from, and was completely overwhelmed. I didn't make them from scratch.. inspired by someone else's 'pin'. (Copycat?) Hell... I don't even have digital pictures from my ancient wedding. I had 200 proofs from negatives, (Once again... completely overwhelmed) and they are now in a book. Also something I didn't make. :) My centerpieces were hand-me-down fishbowls from a friend's recent wedding. I filled them with fish. It was totally queer, and I'm still kinda sad about it. Don't get me wrong... I loved my wedding. It's just... Where the hell was Pinterest then, huh!? :) Mama could have used to look at some fancy ideas... while breast feeding her brand new baby, and planning a wedding! Just keepin' it classy... :)
We also bought our house 11 years ago. We have redone every room in it (7 times each... I swear) and I didn't get to look at any cool ice balloon sculptures, or dream closets for inspiration. My house is just... done. Thank you, Pinterest, because now I want to do it all over again. It makes me sad that I missed so many neat ideas. (Maybe we could quit 'pinning' pictures of weird, fish cave bedrooms, though... it freaks me out.)
Another bummer is all the baby pictures and projects. Lets just rub it in that I can't have any more babies. (Per my Husband's demands) It hurts my feelings. I seriously want to make some shit out of onesies and locks of hair for my kids. My 8 and 10 year old kids. I also want that hat for one of them that looks like a boob and nipple... for breast feeding babies? I love it! For real... Where WAS this shit?!
I've thrown lots of dinner parties. Most of them consisted of too much booze, not enough food, and late night dancing... in my living room that doubles as a dance floor. Good times. BUT, I would have LOVED to have had some little roll ups, and fancy beverages... sipped out of decorated jars. I would have made name cards out of corks, and centerpieces that would have just 'wowed' you. (I'll be sending an invitation for my next dinner party soon... there's no way around it...) I'm sad that my last dinner parties have failed to live up to Pinterest standards. Those days are over. :)
As for the crafts... my crafts would kick any craft on Pinterest's ass. I'm not sad about that. In fact... some of the crafty biz I see, with captions like "I'm SO gonna have to try this!! I've never seen ANYTHING cuter!" Followed by 36 hearts... make me shake my head in bewilderment. I sometimes want to comment on these strangers' pins, and say "Mmmmkay... are you really gonna have to try this? Like..... why is it so imperative that you do this?" and follow it with 37 hearts... just to one-up them. :) But I won't. I'll just wait till they pop out that first baby, and they realize that none of that is actually realistic. They, too... will be old and bitter like me one day.
2) It makes me feel insufficient.
Ok... I am a Hair Stylist. That is what I have done for a living for 18 years. I'm pretty well seasoned in my field. Or, at least I THOUGHT I was seasoned... until I went on Pinterest. I find myself saying "How on earth did that chick get that braid to wrap around her head, turn at a ninety degree angle, swing back around, fray a little in all the right places, somehow get dipped in rainbow colors and sprinkles, then back over her forehead and down to the floor?" I am baffled... and clueless. Seriously... no effing clue how they did that. I am insufficient.
I also feel insufficient because my bank account just can't afford to keep up with all of these 'pins' that I want to keep up on. (Maybe if I could figure out that braid... someone would pay me to do it for them? I don't know... might work...) I want those closets and kitchens... but where would I put them? My house is even insufficient in the Pinterest world. :)
3) It makes me feel stressed out.
Let's face it... there is just too much to look at. That would stress out even the most mellow stoner on the planet. It just would.
4) It makes me confused.
Obviously the overwhelming part of it is confusing. That being said... where else will you find an inspirational weight loss poster... pinned right next to a brownie/cookie/cake/muffin... casserole? That confuses me. I sort of dig the irony... but it's confusing, nonetheless. Once I get more pinning practice, perhaps some of he confusion will subside. Until then... whatdoesallofthismean?!! :)
5) It makes me feel ashamed.
Not only am I looking at strangers' wishes and wants (And coveting them... like they really have them or something like that) but I find myself wishing ill on the owners of those closets and kitchens. Maybe they will bequeath them to me... if only they would take ill and croak. Shameful. I'm also ashamed at my reaction to the food. I do have an inner fat kid, and she has a hay day on Pinterest. I swear... one of these days I'm going to wait until everyone is gone, and make one of those delicious looking cake/cookie/brownie/muffin/caramel casseroles... and eat the whole damn thing... while nobody is looking. But then... I'll be even MORE ashamed when I see the inspirational, weight loss poster underneath it. Or the outfit.. complete with purse, earrings, shoes and scarf, that someone just pinned... that will clearly not fit me now. Because I ate that casserole. Vicious cycle. Oh, the shame.
But it mostly makes me feel...
6) Happy and inspired!
Don't get me wrong, I am not surprised I am absolutely addicted to Pinterest. It is right up my alley. I thoroughly enjoy having grown men follow my board called 'Yummies'. I love when people repin my shit. I love getting new ideas for dinner (Whether or not I make them is still up in the air) I love the idea that everyone's ideas are great. (Except some of the crafts... and fish cave bedrooms. But who's judging? Oh, that's right.. I am...) :) It makes me happy that 25 year olds are getting married and having babies. Babies who will, no doubt, have the coolest bedrooms on the block, and shit made out of locks of hair and onesies. I'm inspired by the way some people are SO into food... that they can't take it, and make hearts, when they come across a recipe for Caprese Chicken, or lasagna. It makes me smile that we can envelop ourselves in some down right harmless, yet ridiculous, 'wishboards'. Full of stuff that has impacted us or made us 'want badly'. Who knows... maybe some day I will have that kitchen with the fabulous island. Or that closet... full of shoes. Until I do... I'll just keep looking at all of this as good, clean fun. (It is all fun and games, until that casserole actually materializes..) :)
I must go now... I found a fantastic recipe earlier. I need to go share with all my grown men following Yummies. (Why is that so funny to me?)
Happy Pinning!!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Half-Assed, Yet Wholeheartedly. Confused? Me Too... :)
Just like most things in my life these days, Jillian was like a fart in the wind. Gone before I could smell (Or, if you are my Husband's fart...taste...) the results. It has been 2 weeks since I popped in that DVD. I'm kicking myself... but I'm also happy to be walking upright again. And without all of the yelps and whimpers, randomly shooting out of my mouth. Not to say I will never dust it off again... I'm sure I'll muster the gumption at some point... but I'm over it. For now. Call me a quitter... or a loser... what ever floats your judgmental boat. Jimmy is cracking corn right now... as we speak... and I don't care. :)
I am, perhaps, in a half-assed rut. Lately, I'm feeling I'm doomed for a life of 'halvsies'. I keep doing so many things... half-assed.. and not really caring like I used to. I have never been a quitter (Ok... let's not talk high school. That was different... ishy circumstances I won't get in to...) Maybe this new 'nonchalant' attitude comes from the wisdom of my old age... I hate being stressed. Let's face it... striving for perfection is stressful. Or... maybe it is just... I'm 'busy' and don't care. I would hate to think I just givethefuckup. That isn't in my nature. (I don't think anyway...) I was just talking to a girlfriend about all of this, and... even after all of her old lady wisdom... I'm still not sure why I have become this way.
Ever since I can recall, I have been relatively anal retentive, and a perfectionist. I like to win. (Just ask my Sister... she STILL won't play a board game with me, or any sport... of any sort) With most things I put my mind to, I would succeed. (With the exception of Synchronized Swimming. Another fart, in the wind that is my life. But let's face it... who gives a shit.) When I was young, I was a straight 'A' student, consistently on the 'A' Honor Roll. I was in all advanced placement classes, and was even a peer tutor for Geometry. A total nerd/bookworm. I did that with everything I had and loved it. I was the 'smart kid' that had succeeded in making sure no boy would ever want to kiss me. Ever. (Hence, the Synchro Swimming) As long as I continued to get my extra credit done, I wouldn't have time for such nonsense anyway. Again... I was the smart kid. I won. (?)
Lots of acknowledgements later, tons of perfect report cards, 'winning', yada, yada, yada... Suddenly, I had boobs. Game changer.
I didn't just get regular old boobies, either... I got full C, 'I need an underwire ASAP', boobs. Overnight. I couldn't even do THAT half-assed. It was full Cs on my 110 pound frame... or nothing. (Thanks, Grandma Comfort.) I hate to say it, but with those boobs, it was a natural reaction to give up my bookworm lifestyle. We moved to a new city right before these were sprung on me, and I had so many new boys to 'explore'. I had a new curiosity about what other kids, (you know... those B and C students...) were doing. I had new friends, new boobs, new boys and a new outlook on life. My poor Dad.
Shortly thereafter, I had my first real boyfriend. He was kind of a stud (In my 14 year old mind... and still is, in his own, to this day) :) We didn't have a normal 'teenage' relationship either. it just had to be over the top... or I wasn't having it. There was nothing half-assed about our 8 years together. Nothing. I even gave up Cheerleading, to ensure my full attention was on his Hockey. All or nothing, ya know!? :) That's how I do!
A bunch more 'non half-assed stuff' went on in here... and then I chose my 'after high school path'. Cosmetology School.
My Mom was a Hair Stylist. 'Hair Dresser', as they called them, way back when. I knew I loved everything to do with hair. I grew up watching my Mom do her thing... and then I would practice on my poor, undeserving, friends and neighbor kids. I found I did have a knack for it, however. They looked pretty. I won. My family always had big ideas for me. Me, being the 'smart kid', had given them false hope :) A few choice members of my family were actually appalled when I took the 'easy way out' and did hair. I was gonna show THEM!! After my (heavy, early twenties) drinking, got in the way of a bunch of stuff (Again.. not gonna go into it. But I also did the 'partying' thing to the utmost degree.) I went on to have a fabulous career with a salon that I stayed with for 6 years. Not bad for my first real job! I got myself a brand new townhouse, 4,000 roommates, a brand new wardrobe, tons of vacations (Including Europe for a month) ... and a few newer habits. Mostly because I could afford it. And I was 'Winning'. (If you know me well... you know why this is funny...) :)
Then came my Husband and family... The end of my 'non half- assedness'
Becoming a Mom and Wife were the two most important things in my life. That goes without saying. But... ever since these people showed up... I am just not the go-getter girl I used to be! And I liked her. I miss her, almost daily, and wonder what would have happened to her if things would have been different. The old, over achieving me, (Sans hubby and kids) would have been kicking Jillian's ass in that stupid DVD! And I'm assuming she would be thin, well dressed, still pretty, and have lots of money. Her career would be amazing, and she would even own some shit. (Not just her 'skeletons'.... which she does own, btw...) :) She would reek of confidence, and get regular Botox. And sex. Probably lots of sex. She would have wild adventures, dreamy, tropical vacations, and a life would be full of the stuff that dreams are made of... Wouldn't she?
This new, more recent me... has half the energy, works only 2 nights a week, lives in sweatsuits, barely does anything with her hair, keeps the same makeup for years (Cuz it barely gets used), can't complete a 30 day workout program (Even though she USED to be the only human alive who could successfully complete the cabbage Soup Diet), drives a minivan, clips coupons, can't justify Botox (Or any other plastic surgery, for that matter), and spends her day cleaning up after, and doing other people's laundry.
Who are these people, you ask? These people who have made such a fancy version of myself, become this unfancy version of a 'cool chick' has-been? Those most important people who turned my career into a part time job, who leave their little belongings all over my house, are the reason for the minivan, and keep me so busy pleasing them that I don't even have time to blog or work out? They are my children and Husband. My family. And they make every bit of it worth my while, and that 'old me' a vague memory, with one squeeze, "I love you" or "Thanks, Mom. You are the best" :)
I could spend my whole life wondering 'what if'? Or saying 'I used to'. But what is the point? Life is full of stages, and lessons, and...well... different things at different times. I will always own that Jillian DVD. And someday... I WILL do it for 30 days!! Until then... I will continue to get half of my shit done, and have my shit be half as important as everyone else's. The part of my old self that still remains... is that I will never take my job as a Wife or Mom in a half-assed manor. Jillian can wait... and so can my dreamy, tropical vacation. (I'll need to master Jillian before I step foot on a beach ever again!) And THAT... is not a half-assed statement. I am still winning. Even if half- ass turns into fat-ass... I'll take it. Take THAT, old me! I'm gonna go snuggle up one of my munchkins and dream about Banana Joe's. (The old me's favorite place. I can embrace the memories... right?) :)
I am, perhaps, in a half-assed rut. Lately, I'm feeling I'm doomed for a life of 'halvsies'. I keep doing so many things... half-assed.. and not really caring like I used to. I have never been a quitter (Ok... let's not talk high school. That was different... ishy circumstances I won't get in to...) Maybe this new 'nonchalant' attitude comes from the wisdom of my old age... I hate being stressed. Let's face it... striving for perfection is stressful. Or... maybe it is just... I'm 'busy' and don't care. I would hate to think I just givethefuckup. That isn't in my nature. (I don't think anyway...) I was just talking to a girlfriend about all of this, and... even after all of her old lady wisdom... I'm still not sure why I have become this way.
Ever since I can recall, I have been relatively anal retentive, and a perfectionist. I like to win. (Just ask my Sister... she STILL won't play a board game with me, or any sport... of any sort) With most things I put my mind to, I would succeed. (With the exception of Synchronized Swimming. Another fart, in the wind that is my life. But let's face it... who gives a shit.) When I was young, I was a straight 'A' student, consistently on the 'A' Honor Roll. I was in all advanced placement classes, and was even a peer tutor for Geometry. A total nerd/bookworm. I did that with everything I had and loved it. I was the 'smart kid' that had succeeded in making sure no boy would ever want to kiss me. Ever. (Hence, the Synchro Swimming) As long as I continued to get my extra credit done, I wouldn't have time for such nonsense anyway. Again... I was the smart kid. I won. (?)
Lots of acknowledgements later, tons of perfect report cards, 'winning', yada, yada, yada... Suddenly, I had boobs. Game changer.
I didn't just get regular old boobies, either... I got full C, 'I need an underwire ASAP', boobs. Overnight. I couldn't even do THAT half-assed. It was full Cs on my 110 pound frame... or nothing. (Thanks, Grandma Comfort.) I hate to say it, but with those boobs, it was a natural reaction to give up my bookworm lifestyle. We moved to a new city right before these were sprung on me, and I had so many new boys to 'explore'. I had a new curiosity about what other kids, (you know... those B and C students...) were doing. I had new friends, new boobs, new boys and a new outlook on life. My poor Dad.
Shortly thereafter, I had my first real boyfriend. He was kind of a stud (In my 14 year old mind... and still is, in his own, to this day) :) We didn't have a normal 'teenage' relationship either. it just had to be over the top... or I wasn't having it. There was nothing half-assed about our 8 years together. Nothing. I even gave up Cheerleading, to ensure my full attention was on his Hockey. All or nothing, ya know!? :) That's how I do!
A bunch more 'non half-assed stuff' went on in here... and then I chose my 'after high school path'. Cosmetology School.
My Mom was a Hair Stylist. 'Hair Dresser', as they called them, way back when. I knew I loved everything to do with hair. I grew up watching my Mom do her thing... and then I would practice on my poor, undeserving, friends and neighbor kids. I found I did have a knack for it, however. They looked pretty. I won. My family always had big ideas for me. Me, being the 'smart kid', had given them false hope :) A few choice members of my family were actually appalled when I took the 'easy way out' and did hair. I was gonna show THEM!! After my (heavy, early twenties) drinking, got in the way of a bunch of stuff (Again.. not gonna go into it. But I also did the 'partying' thing to the utmost degree.) I went on to have a fabulous career with a salon that I stayed with for 6 years. Not bad for my first real job! I got myself a brand new townhouse, 4,000 roommates, a brand new wardrobe, tons of vacations (Including Europe for a month) ... and a few newer habits. Mostly because I could afford it. And I was 'Winning'. (If you know me well... you know why this is funny...) :)
Then came my Husband and family... The end of my 'non half- assedness'
Becoming a Mom and Wife were the two most important things in my life. That goes without saying. But... ever since these people showed up... I am just not the go-getter girl I used to be! And I liked her. I miss her, almost daily, and wonder what would have happened to her if things would have been different. The old, over achieving me, (Sans hubby and kids) would have been kicking Jillian's ass in that stupid DVD! And I'm assuming she would be thin, well dressed, still pretty, and have lots of money. Her career would be amazing, and she would even own some shit. (Not just her 'skeletons'.... which she does own, btw...) :) She would reek of confidence, and get regular Botox. And sex. Probably lots of sex. She would have wild adventures, dreamy, tropical vacations, and a life would be full of the stuff that dreams are made of... Wouldn't she?
This new, more recent me... has half the energy, works only 2 nights a week, lives in sweatsuits, barely does anything with her hair, keeps the same makeup for years (Cuz it barely gets used), can't complete a 30 day workout program (Even though she USED to be the only human alive who could successfully complete the cabbage Soup Diet), drives a minivan, clips coupons, can't justify Botox (Or any other plastic surgery, for that matter), and spends her day cleaning up after, and doing other people's laundry.
Who are these people, you ask? These people who have made such a fancy version of myself, become this unfancy version of a 'cool chick' has-been? Those most important people who turned my career into a part time job, who leave their little belongings all over my house, are the reason for the minivan, and keep me so busy pleasing them that I don't even have time to blog or work out? They are my children and Husband. My family. And they make every bit of it worth my while, and that 'old me' a vague memory, with one squeeze, "I love you" or "Thanks, Mom. You are the best" :)
I could spend my whole life wondering 'what if'? Or saying 'I used to'. But what is the point? Life is full of stages, and lessons, and...well... different things at different times. I will always own that Jillian DVD. And someday... I WILL do it for 30 days!! Until then... I will continue to get half of my shit done, and have my shit be half as important as everyone else's. The part of my old self that still remains... is that I will never take my job as a Wife or Mom in a half-assed manor. Jillian can wait... and so can my dreamy, tropical vacation. (I'll need to master Jillian before I step foot on a beach ever again!) And THAT... is not a half-assed statement. I am still winning. Even if half- ass turns into fat-ass... I'll take it. Take THAT, old me! I'm gonna go snuggle up one of my munchkins and dream about Banana Joe's. (The old me's favorite place. I can embrace the memories... right?) :)
Monday, January 16, 2012
My Love/Hate With Jillian. I Need a Percocet. STAT!
Well... it's mid January now... and my lack of self discipline has already earned me a big, fat, 'F' for most of the changes I wanted to make, upon the arrival of this new and 'improved' (Used in the loosest form possible...) year. I'm still smoking. I'm still fat. I haven't won the lottery. Shit... I haven't even been able to eat Activia diligently enough to get regular. (It's the simple things...) It makes me laugh when I think about it, actually. Why do I even make an attempt at 'resolutions'? (Also used in the loosest form possible...) Aren't they, in all reality, just idle threats I makes to my own... self? "I am not gonna talk to you if you don't lose 20 pounds in 3 weeks, FATTY!?" or "If you don't quit smoking cold turkey... TODAY... your house will burn down in the night, and it will be your fault... because you left a cigarette burning, or something awful like that! You DIRTY (Insert various four letter words here)?" (Notice I ignore the fact that I'm surely going to leave my children Motherless if I continue? Ugh... hardest thing in my life. Period. So I won't focus on that for now.) or my favorite... "Celery, nuts and water are perfectly delicious replacements for pizza and wine! You IDIOT?" Bare in mind... these are actual conversations. Conversations between me... and me. What? Yeah, sounds kinda mental, right? Typically, by this point, I've already thrown in the proverbial towel. And I scoff (Mostly out of pure, self loathing, jealousy) at those eager morons, who are still taking up regulars' treadmills at the gym they just joined. The one that they will only be a member of for another month. And at the smokers that are wearing patches that make their hands shake, their ears ring, and bring them closer to a stroke/certain death, than any cigarette they have ever smoked. Who are they kidding? But not this year. Nope. I've been having all sorts of 'words' with me these days. This will be the year I change everything that bugs. I'm sure of it.
I started today, in fact. A girlfriend of mine told me all about a Jillian Michaels DVD. The 30 day shred. She made it sound so fab... I even battled Walmart to purchase it! (Target was fresh out... good sign?) It is a series of three 20 minute workouts. Twenty minutes can't be THAT bad! Right!? I've been doing workout videos for years! Pilates and, well... Pilates? Clearly it has worked wonders, so... :) I've always kind of hated on Jillian, though. There is no reason... but I just have. Maybe it could be her incessant yelling, in fat people's faces, that gets to me. Or the fact that she is NOT a Doctor... but is suddenly on the show "The Doctors"? Who knows. If this chick can shred my shit in 30 days, I can overlook some of that. Also, I like to tell myself that Jillian, if anything, has really awful eyebrows. Eyebrows that will make a great target for me to grind my teeth and mutter 'shit talk' about, under my breath, while I'm sweating and swearing and want to stab someone. (That'll show that skinny bitch!) :) So... why not try it? My 10 year old Daughter and I decide to watch it first, so we know what we are in for. (When I say 'we'... I mean... 'I'. She dances 10-12 hours every week, does gymnastics, and has a 6 pack. She'll be fine. Plus... jumping up and down repeatedly isn't nearly as painful when you only weigh 50 pounds, and don't have DD cup boobs. I'm scared.) We were about 7 minutes in, and I noticed that even the ripped bitches, who she has demonstrating these God forsaken moves, are dripping in sweat and panting a little. Was my girlfriend for real? She does this shit!? Is it easier than it looks!? Cuz... seriously... I was exhausted just watching it. Was *I breaking out in a sweat? And panting? Ish... I was just in the viewing phase! I guess I felt the need to see for myself. Nothing like jumping right in!
I put on my sports bra, closed the curtains... (just in case someone were to drive by, happen to look in here, sees me flailing around like a victim of sorts, and think I'm being attacked by an intruder. It could happen... and I don't need the cops here again. Like... ever again.) and gave it a good old Community College try. (Disclaimer: I wore a tank top as well... all children's eyes were spared during this process) It was pretty brutal. Just like I thought. Level one is a bitch. Yes... I said level one. I felt like one of those sad, pathetic, 'I used to be so hot' chicks, on the Biggest Loser... who cry a bunch about their hefty weight gains... and then secretly, and feverishly, search for the camera crew's leftover donuts, when the camera is not on them. Quite appropriate, actually. :) I used to have a pretty decent bod too... And a fantastic, full length mirror that told me I looked long and lean... even on my shortest, squattest days :) (Oh, how I miss that mirror!!) And here I am now. Facing off with Jillian. Ew. :) I didn't lunge as low as what'shernuts, with the curly hair. She can Eff right off. I didn't do 'Man' push ups either... but I did it. And I didn't die! My son actually came and sat on the couch right next to me. His face was a tell-tale sign that things were jiggling in all the wrong places. He tried, with all of his might, not to laugh at me... to no avail. Why is it so much cuter when my daughter is doing all of this nonsense? I just look like a heffer on hot coals. :( So... after much laughter, sweat, teeth grinding, and bouncing... I actually felt pretty good about things! This should be a cinch by day 5 or 6!! I immediately slammed a bunch of water and smoked half of a cig. It didn't taste good. I sorta love Jillian!! All was well... until a half hour later, when I had to carry a laundry basket down the stairs...
My legs already feel like Jello, and I may have actually ripped my butt open. I'm not sure. My shoulders feel like they are in a vice grip, and my arms are shaking as I type this. I'm gonna be sore as HELL tomorrow... But, so help me God, I'm doing it again. I may even start to like the burn? Ok... that's pushing it, and a total lie... but hopefully I will dig the results. I even thought about taking before and after pictures, and walking myself through the process by blogging about it. (Mostly because I still don't really know why I even have a blog... or what I should blog about. I'm all 'new' and stuff. :)) But I won't. That is boring and totally overdone. Not to mention... nobody wants to see the 'before'. Maybe I'll take a '30 days in' photo or something instead :) For now I'm just gonna groove on the fact that I'm being somewhat proactive, and my kids go back to school tomorrow, so I can sweat and bawl in peace. :) I'm gonna turn those Fs into As before I know it! (Or at least Cs!! Now... if only I could figure out how to do that with my boobs...) The laundry can wait... I'll get to it when I'm all svelte. :)
I started today, in fact. A girlfriend of mine told me all about a Jillian Michaels DVD. The 30 day shred. She made it sound so fab... I even battled Walmart to purchase it! (Target was fresh out... good sign?) It is a series of three 20 minute workouts. Twenty minutes can't be THAT bad! Right!? I've been doing workout videos for years! Pilates and, well... Pilates? Clearly it has worked wonders, so... :) I've always kind of hated on Jillian, though. There is no reason... but I just have. Maybe it could be her incessant yelling, in fat people's faces, that gets to me. Or the fact that she is NOT a Doctor... but is suddenly on the show "The Doctors"? Who knows. If this chick can shred my shit in 30 days, I can overlook some of that. Also, I like to tell myself that Jillian, if anything, has really awful eyebrows. Eyebrows that will make a great target for me to grind my teeth and mutter 'shit talk' about, under my breath, while I'm sweating and swearing and want to stab someone. (That'll show that skinny bitch!) :) So... why not try it? My 10 year old Daughter and I decide to watch it first, so we know what we are in for. (When I say 'we'... I mean... 'I'. She dances 10-12 hours every week, does gymnastics, and has a 6 pack. She'll be fine. Plus... jumping up and down repeatedly isn't nearly as painful when you only weigh 50 pounds, and don't have DD cup boobs. I'm scared.) We were about 7 minutes in, and I noticed that even the ripped bitches, who she has demonstrating these God forsaken moves, are dripping in sweat and panting a little. Was my girlfriend for real? She does this shit!? Is it easier than it looks!? Cuz... seriously... I was exhausted just watching it. Was *I breaking out in a sweat? And panting? Ish... I was just in the viewing phase! I guess I felt the need to see for myself. Nothing like jumping right in!
I put on my sports bra, closed the curtains... (just in case someone were to drive by, happen to look in here, sees me flailing around like a victim of sorts, and think I'm being attacked by an intruder. It could happen... and I don't need the cops here again. Like... ever again.) and gave it a good old Community College try. (Disclaimer: I wore a tank top as well... all children's eyes were spared during this process) It was pretty brutal. Just like I thought. Level one is a bitch. Yes... I said level one. I felt like one of those sad, pathetic, 'I used to be so hot' chicks, on the Biggest Loser... who cry a bunch about their hefty weight gains... and then secretly, and feverishly, search for the camera crew's leftover donuts, when the camera is not on them. Quite appropriate, actually. :) I used to have a pretty decent bod too... And a fantastic, full length mirror that told me I looked long and lean... even on my shortest, squattest days :) (Oh, how I miss that mirror!!) And here I am now. Facing off with Jillian. Ew. :) I didn't lunge as low as what'shernuts, with the curly hair. She can Eff right off. I didn't do 'Man' push ups either... but I did it. And I didn't die! My son actually came and sat on the couch right next to me. His face was a tell-tale sign that things were jiggling in all the wrong places. He tried, with all of his might, not to laugh at me... to no avail. Why is it so much cuter when my daughter is doing all of this nonsense? I just look like a heffer on hot coals. :( So... after much laughter, sweat, teeth grinding, and bouncing... I actually felt pretty good about things! This should be a cinch by day 5 or 6!! I immediately slammed a bunch of water and smoked half of a cig. It didn't taste good. I sorta love Jillian!! All was well... until a half hour later, when I had to carry a laundry basket down the stairs...
My legs already feel like Jello, and I may have actually ripped my butt open. I'm not sure. My shoulders feel like they are in a vice grip, and my arms are shaking as I type this. I'm gonna be sore as HELL tomorrow... But, so help me God, I'm doing it again. I may even start to like the burn? Ok... that's pushing it, and a total lie... but hopefully I will dig the results. I even thought about taking before and after pictures, and walking myself through the process by blogging about it. (Mostly because I still don't really know why I even have a blog... or what I should blog about. I'm all 'new' and stuff. :)) But I won't. That is boring and totally overdone. Not to mention... nobody wants to see the 'before'. Maybe I'll take a '30 days in' photo or something instead :) For now I'm just gonna groove on the fact that I'm being somewhat proactive, and my kids go back to school tomorrow, so I can sweat and bawl in peace. :) I'm gonna turn those Fs into As before I know it! (Or at least Cs!! Now... if only I could figure out how to do that with my boobs...) The laundry can wait... I'll get to it when I'm all svelte. :)
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
It Was What It Was...
So... I know I tend to go on and on about how much the holidays 'rock my world'...and I just can't wait for them... and I'm oh so busy decorating, cooking, baking, shopping, cleaning, enjoying every minute and such... but let me tell you... this holiday season pretty much sucked the life out of me!! :) In fact... this whole YEAR knocked it out of me... From the minute the clock struck midnight, on December 31st, 2010... It has been.. 'on'? One blow after another, in various forms, making this one for the record books, for me and everyone around me. I thought about making a list, as a reference for when I think things are going badly, and so I don't forget anytime soon... but then, that would be depressing. So... here it is:
1) My kid (Who I'm assuming is psychic) bawled her eyes out on New Years Eve. This just dawned on me the other day, and it totally made sense and weirded me out. Totally set the stage for what was to come. I sent her to a friend's house this year... so I wouldn't even see her reaction. Genius on my part. Or just plain paranoia.:)
2) It snowed like the dickens alll Winter. Starting in early November. I'm not talking a few, garden variety blizzards either. I live in Minnesota. I expect those. I'm talking every weekend, we got 648 feet of snow. Every weekend. Even in May. I was drowning in SADD... with no end in sight. For real. It was brutal...
3) My friends. This has been a year of forgiveness, battles, words, learning, struggles, coping, making up and 'breaking up' with people who mean so much to me. I have felt like I'm back in high school, and also been proud of myself for standing up for 'this guy'. :) My closest friendships have been tested... some have failed. All in all, it was just a tough year. I think we all had PMS for 12 months. (Or maybe it was just me... it's possible...) :)
4) I turned 35. Now... this may not seem like the end of the world for some people... but it was a very tough time for me. I'm now officially too old for most things I enjoy. I will never be able to go to a bar downtown again without feeling like a creepy cougar, and I have maybe 3 eggs left for reproductive purposes. Those 2 things alone are hard enough to swallow. I also can no longer be on the birth control pill and smoke simultaneously, shop at Wet Seal or forever 21, correctly wear the latest trends, overdo jewelry, get a tattoo, or any of the things I used to do. After all, I am now, for all intents and purposes, technically 40.
5) My Mother in Law was diagnosed with, and eventually beat, Brest Cancer. Many surgeries, treatments and... well... I need not elaborate... it just sucked. Especially the part about me having to shave her head. Nobody should have to do that for someone they love. But, yet... you should be able to lean on someone you love to do that for you? Ugh... it all sucked.
6) Some of our closest friends moved to Texas. These are people that are like family to all 4 of us, and we spent a lot of time with them. My kids were crushed. Tried to find the silver lining in that by saying we now have a reason to visit, and give Houston a real problem... but we can't afford to fly all 4 of us down there. Miss them... :(
7) My job. I lost so many clients this year, I'm not sure I'm even considered a Stylist anymore. It's like... There is a place I go... where I do a couple of people's hair... every once in a while. It blows. Everyone is broke. Therefore... so am I.
8) I got a citation for 'Disturbing the Peace', because my neighbor had a Halloween party. WHAT?!?! I haven't even spoken to a police officer in a decade. This year we had them here on 4 separate occasions... (and I now have a record? Ew.) which brings me to the next number on my list...
9) The Ghostess with the mostest. (As we lovingly call it...) My Daughter, you know... the one who bawled on New Year's Eve... got up in the middle of the night to find a 'person' creepily sitting on my couch, 'communicating' with my dog. We told her it was her Dad, and she bought it (kind of) but we had no choice but to have the police come and investigate. People are weird, and we live on a public park... you just never know. Turns out, the officer was a believer in the spirit world, and chalked it up to we have a ghost. Super. (However, I was already aware of this... as strange children have been spotted in the background of pictures with my own children... Wanna come over? You can sleep on the couch? All alone with our new 'friends', who may, or may not, also have PMS?) :)
10) Not sure if I told you, but... my Son got hit by a car on his bike, and was left bleeding and unconscious in the street. For real. I mean... hit and runs happen all the time, right? 2011 was just prime time for happenings such as these. Nobody ever came forward, and I spent that dreadful, 35th birthday of mine, at Childrens Hospital. It was, perhaps, the worst thing I have been through. Coming around the corner and seeing my kid... Ugh. Again... no need to elaborate.
11) My kids were both put in a before school reading program for some 'extra help'. Which... is the school's secret way of telling me that I failed as a Mother.
12) I was sicker than a dog for most of the Summer. Including Girls' Weekend. Oh... and had a double kidney infection in the Spring. Oh... and my Gal Bladder was failing for a minute and I had 19 (well...4...) doctor's appointments before they figured it out. I even got to drink ishy, chalky, butterscotch (Or butt and crotch) stuff and have a crabby old lady take pictures of my insides. Stressed out much? When in doubt... just get really sick...
Blah blah blah... tons of other crap... and now here comes the holiday season...
13) Thanksgiving came and went with no real event. It was beautiful outside, and we were all at Grandpa Norris's house. He had just come home from the nursing home. He had been in rehab for his broken hip. Cuz... yeah... he fell and broke his hip in 2011. Shocking. We all got along, ate like pigs, and played football outside. Nobody threw cutlery this year, and my Mother in Law even left her wig at home, as some of the hair she lost during Chemo is slowly, but surely, coming back. I actually thought to myself... Could things be looking up? Whoops... spoke too soon. 2 days later we get a call "Grandpa didn't make it through the night." We had to go to my Grandfather in Law's house... with my bald, breastless Mother in Law, who just found her deceased Father... and sit with his body for 2 hours until the funeral home FINALLY came to get him. My poor Husband. His Grandpa was like his 2nd Dad. But... it's 2011. Buckle up... it just keeps coming.
14) My Son lost his marbles after loosing Great Grandpa Norris. He was very close to him, and has already had a rough go of things this year. He lost it at the funeral, and cried for 3 days prior to it. My poor, sensi, baby guy. :( His lip is still not quite 'right' after his accident either... and when he sobs... it gets stuck to his top teeth... and... Ugh.
15) Someone stepped on my foot...really hard... wearing a man boot... and broke my pinky toe. It just is what it is.
16) About a week before Christmas, (Crunch time, as I call it) we got a 5:00 am. wake up call from my Father in Law. He needed to be rushed to the emergency room. And we have to take his dog. His ginormous, 13 year old, Golden Retriever... who hasn't had a bath in 3 years... I'm sure of it. Welcome back, sinus infection. We had him for 4 days. Long enough for me to bathe him, fall madly in love with him, and have to give him back. :( Miss you, Renegade... Mama loves you... :)
17) In the meantime... Christmas has arrived. As I check facebook... I keep seeing pictures of elves in various 'wild and crazy' places and positions, and the guilt/panic sets in. Thanks, overachieving Moms out there. I haven't even had time to hit Toys R Us. I bet your kids haven't shed one tear this month as they oohd and ahhd over your Christmas genius. Mine have been bawling for months. That sure is one loco elf you have there... you bitch. :) I never got around to sending Christmas cards either. First time in 11 years. What a Christmas loser. I also had Amazon and ebay screw up some deliveries, so I needed to get my ass in gear, and finish my list. (Or... ListS) We went into 'get 'er done' mode... and eventually...well... got 'er done. Then I drank wine for 3 straight days... burned out my liver, gained 63 pounds, and eventually broke my finger while playing Wii bowling. (Unfortunately it wasn't my middle finger...that would have been the topper...to it all...) :) That, also, just is what it is, and an appropriate ending to what may have been the oddest, most stressful year ever.
I have intentionally left out several things in this list. It was also the year of the salon debacle, the toenail debacle, close friends losing parents, birds dropping from the sky for no apparent reason, divorces, dance stress, and a whole lot of other stuff. I'm not complaining, really. Just trying to remember to appreciate a good day. Even though I cried more this year than any before... I also laughed a bunch, felt all sorts of support, and tried to embrace all of this as lessons that I clearly needed to learn. I'm convinced that after this year, I can get through pretty much anything. After handling everything from disappointment, death, loss of friendships, sick parents, finding a gray eyebrow hair... to a broken kid... I am now a stronger person. So there. :) It was what it was, and here's to moving forward and making this year one of the best! So far, it has been 50 degrees since November, there is no snow on the ground, my Husband got good news at work, I had 2 new clients at work, my finger is better, and all of my Christmas stuff is FINALLY put away. Moving on. How is THAT for a positive attitude?! :)
1) My kid (Who I'm assuming is psychic) bawled her eyes out on New Years Eve. This just dawned on me the other day, and it totally made sense and weirded me out. Totally set the stage for what was to come. I sent her to a friend's house this year... so I wouldn't even see her reaction. Genius on my part. Or just plain paranoia.:)
2) It snowed like the dickens alll Winter. Starting in early November. I'm not talking a few, garden variety blizzards either. I live in Minnesota. I expect those. I'm talking every weekend, we got 648 feet of snow. Every weekend. Even in May. I was drowning in SADD... with no end in sight. For real. It was brutal...
3) My friends. This has been a year of forgiveness, battles, words, learning, struggles, coping, making up and 'breaking up' with people who mean so much to me. I have felt like I'm back in high school, and also been proud of myself for standing up for 'this guy'. :) My closest friendships have been tested... some have failed. All in all, it was just a tough year. I think we all had PMS for 12 months. (Or maybe it was just me... it's possible...) :)
4) I turned 35. Now... this may not seem like the end of the world for some people... but it was a very tough time for me. I'm now officially too old for most things I enjoy. I will never be able to go to a bar downtown again without feeling like a creepy cougar, and I have maybe 3 eggs left for reproductive purposes. Those 2 things alone are hard enough to swallow. I also can no longer be on the birth control pill and smoke simultaneously, shop at Wet Seal or forever 21, correctly wear the latest trends, overdo jewelry, get a tattoo, or any of the things I used to do. After all, I am now, for all intents and purposes, technically 40.
5) My Mother in Law was diagnosed with, and eventually beat, Brest Cancer. Many surgeries, treatments and... well... I need not elaborate... it just sucked. Especially the part about me having to shave her head. Nobody should have to do that for someone they love. But, yet... you should be able to lean on someone you love to do that for you? Ugh... it all sucked.
6) Some of our closest friends moved to Texas. These are people that are like family to all 4 of us, and we spent a lot of time with them. My kids were crushed. Tried to find the silver lining in that by saying we now have a reason to visit, and give Houston a real problem... but we can't afford to fly all 4 of us down there. Miss them... :(
7) My job. I lost so many clients this year, I'm not sure I'm even considered a Stylist anymore. It's like... There is a place I go... where I do a couple of people's hair... every once in a while. It blows. Everyone is broke. Therefore... so am I.
8) I got a citation for 'Disturbing the Peace', because my neighbor had a Halloween party. WHAT?!?! I haven't even spoken to a police officer in a decade. This year we had them here on 4 separate occasions... (and I now have a record? Ew.) which brings me to the next number on my list...
9) The Ghostess with the mostest. (As we lovingly call it...) My Daughter, you know... the one who bawled on New Year's Eve... got up in the middle of the night to find a 'person' creepily sitting on my couch, 'communicating' with my dog. We told her it was her Dad, and she bought it (kind of) but we had no choice but to have the police come and investigate. People are weird, and we live on a public park... you just never know. Turns out, the officer was a believer in the spirit world, and chalked it up to we have a ghost. Super. (However, I was already aware of this... as strange children have been spotted in the background of pictures with my own children... Wanna come over? You can sleep on the couch? All alone with our new 'friends', who may, or may not, also have PMS?) :)
10) Not sure if I told you, but... my Son got hit by a car on his bike, and was left bleeding and unconscious in the street. For real. I mean... hit and runs happen all the time, right? 2011 was just prime time for happenings such as these. Nobody ever came forward, and I spent that dreadful, 35th birthday of mine, at Childrens Hospital. It was, perhaps, the worst thing I have been through. Coming around the corner and seeing my kid... Ugh. Again... no need to elaborate.
11) My kids were both put in a before school reading program for some 'extra help'. Which... is the school's secret way of telling me that I failed as a Mother.
12) I was sicker than a dog for most of the Summer. Including Girls' Weekend. Oh... and had a double kidney infection in the Spring. Oh... and my Gal Bladder was failing for a minute and I had 19 (well...4...) doctor's appointments before they figured it out. I even got to drink ishy, chalky, butterscotch (Or butt and crotch) stuff and have a crabby old lady take pictures of my insides. Stressed out much? When in doubt... just get really sick...
Blah blah blah... tons of other crap... and now here comes the holiday season...
13) Thanksgiving came and went with no real event. It was beautiful outside, and we were all at Grandpa Norris's house. He had just come home from the nursing home. He had been in rehab for his broken hip. Cuz... yeah... he fell and broke his hip in 2011. Shocking. We all got along, ate like pigs, and played football outside. Nobody threw cutlery this year, and my Mother in Law even left her wig at home, as some of the hair she lost during Chemo is slowly, but surely, coming back. I actually thought to myself... Could things be looking up? Whoops... spoke too soon. 2 days later we get a call "Grandpa didn't make it through the night." We had to go to my Grandfather in Law's house... with my bald, breastless Mother in Law, who just found her deceased Father... and sit with his body for 2 hours until the funeral home FINALLY came to get him. My poor Husband. His Grandpa was like his 2nd Dad. But... it's 2011. Buckle up... it just keeps coming.
14) My Son lost his marbles after loosing Great Grandpa Norris. He was very close to him, and has already had a rough go of things this year. He lost it at the funeral, and cried for 3 days prior to it. My poor, sensi, baby guy. :( His lip is still not quite 'right' after his accident either... and when he sobs... it gets stuck to his top teeth... and... Ugh.
15) Someone stepped on my foot...really hard... wearing a man boot... and broke my pinky toe. It just is what it is.
16) About a week before Christmas, (Crunch time, as I call it) we got a 5:00 am. wake up call from my Father in Law. He needed to be rushed to the emergency room. And we have to take his dog. His ginormous, 13 year old, Golden Retriever... who hasn't had a bath in 3 years... I'm sure of it. Welcome back, sinus infection. We had him for 4 days. Long enough for me to bathe him, fall madly in love with him, and have to give him back. :( Miss you, Renegade... Mama loves you... :)
17) In the meantime... Christmas has arrived. As I check facebook... I keep seeing pictures of elves in various 'wild and crazy' places and positions, and the guilt/panic sets in. Thanks, overachieving Moms out there. I haven't even had time to hit Toys R Us. I bet your kids haven't shed one tear this month as they oohd and ahhd over your Christmas genius. Mine have been bawling for months. That sure is one loco elf you have there... you bitch. :) I never got around to sending Christmas cards either. First time in 11 years. What a Christmas loser. I also had Amazon and ebay screw up some deliveries, so I needed to get my ass in gear, and finish my list. (Or... ListS) We went into 'get 'er done' mode... and eventually...well... got 'er done. Then I drank wine for 3 straight days... burned out my liver, gained 63 pounds, and eventually broke my finger while playing Wii bowling. (Unfortunately it wasn't my middle finger...that would have been the topper...to it all...) :) That, also, just is what it is, and an appropriate ending to what may have been the oddest, most stressful year ever.
I have intentionally left out several things in this list. It was also the year of the salon debacle, the toenail debacle, close friends losing parents, birds dropping from the sky for no apparent reason, divorces, dance stress, and a whole lot of other stuff. I'm not complaining, really. Just trying to remember to appreciate a good day. Even though I cried more this year than any before... I also laughed a bunch, felt all sorts of support, and tried to embrace all of this as lessons that I clearly needed to learn. I'm convinced that after this year, I can get through pretty much anything. After handling everything from disappointment, death, loss of friendships, sick parents, finding a gray eyebrow hair... to a broken kid... I am now a stronger person. So there. :) It was what it was, and here's to moving forward and making this year one of the best! So far, it has been 50 degrees since November, there is no snow on the ground, my Husband got good news at work, I had 2 new clients at work, my finger is better, and all of my Christmas stuff is FINALLY put away. Moving on. How is THAT for a positive attitude?! :)
Friday, December 9, 2011
Holiday Traditions/Hide The Pickle?
As I'm FINALLY completing my display of obnoxious Christmas decorations, that I've been 'working on' for 2 weeks now, I'm laughing to myself. I'm thinking about how wonderful, yet silly, some of this really is. In our family, we don't go to church unless there is a wedding or baptism that requires our attendance, we don't talk Bible, we don't even own a nativity scene. Yet... we look forward to, and celebrate our kiesters off at Christmas every year. Christmas, to me, is about family, friends, parties, and everything sparkly and twinkly that go along with those things. (Especially some of my friends... so much twinkle...) :) I have Rubbermaid tote, upon Rubbermaid tote, FULL of feathery, puffy, furry, sparkly, blingy, musical, red, gold, and silver items... that I replace family photos and such with, to display for not even 2 months... year after year. God forbid I stop at Home Goods this time of year, or it's off to Target for 2 more bins, for the crap I just 'HAD' to have for my tacky display. I have an overly-decorated tree on both levels of my home, every table or inch of open space... is filled with some sort of decoration. Each member of my family has had their stockings replaced at least 6 times, to match whatever my 'theme' is. I mean... You can't have red, leopard stockings next to blue and purple lights. You just can't. My Sister and I grew up this way, and have just kept it up as our tradition. Christmas lists are made by October, trees are up on Thanksgiving, cookies are made the following week, villages (That we painted ourselves for years... complete with the one labeled the 'crack house'... that she painted when she was 7) displayed some time that same week. She isn't as bad as I am with the severity of tackiness... but she's close. This is Christmas in our family. Whether it is right or wrong to you... it is so right to us.
I remember the first year my Husband (My boyfriend at the time) and I spent Christmas together, 13 years ago. I wasn't sure it wasn't going to be the last, as I nerded out completely, and even purchased him his own collection of sparkly, holiday decor. He looked at me like I was mental, (or had just smoked something 'special'... that I hadn't shared with him.) :) He complied with my fanatical wishes, and put it all up. Every last bit of it. In his tiny apartment. What a good sport. Seriously... I just thought that that was normal, and any boy would think I was an amazing girlfriend for going to such lengths for his holiday viewing pleasure. I didn't really get that not everyone's traditions are the same. It was interesting to me to learn about his family's traditions. They don't have many, nor do they go as overboard as my family, but they were still important traditions. They mostly revolved around food and mass quantities of gifts. Not so much trees, Santas, lights and glitter. My favorite, however, was some 'Hide the Pickle' game. I had heard of it, and always thought it had something to do with which child gets to open gifts first... but he is an only child... so it didn't make sense. He did try to explain the 'Hide the Pickle' game to me that holiday. He gave me the run down, and a quick demonstration... and proceeded to fricken knock me up. On Christmas Eve. I'm still not convinced he didn't leave out a few details about that game... Or if that was even one of their actual traditions. We never played it again. True story. :)
Whatever your religious denomination is, (I think we are Episcopalian... but don't quote me) whether your family traditions revolve around Jesus, food, booze, elves on shelves, hiding pickles, or decorating and entertaining... it is pretty awesome to me that for one month out of the year, we all have something to celebrate, and be 'spirited' about. Whatever this season brings to you that brings you joy... is what it's all about :) I like that. I better go turn my outside lights on now. I do believe NASA has been depending on us as a satellite reference point these days :)
I remember the first year my Husband (My boyfriend at the time) and I spent Christmas together, 13 years ago. I wasn't sure it wasn't going to be the last, as I nerded out completely, and even purchased him his own collection of sparkly, holiday decor. He looked at me like I was mental, (or had just smoked something 'special'... that I hadn't shared with him.) :) He complied with my fanatical wishes, and put it all up. Every last bit of it. In his tiny apartment. What a good sport. Seriously... I just thought that that was normal, and any boy would think I was an amazing girlfriend for going to such lengths for his holiday viewing pleasure. I didn't really get that not everyone's traditions are the same. It was interesting to me to learn about his family's traditions. They don't have many, nor do they go as overboard as my family, but they were still important traditions. They mostly revolved around food and mass quantities of gifts. Not so much trees, Santas, lights and glitter. My favorite, however, was some 'Hide the Pickle' game. I had heard of it, and always thought it had something to do with which child gets to open gifts first... but he is an only child... so it didn't make sense. He did try to explain the 'Hide the Pickle' game to me that holiday. He gave me the run down, and a quick demonstration... and proceeded to fricken knock me up. On Christmas Eve. I'm still not convinced he didn't leave out a few details about that game... Or if that was even one of their actual traditions. We never played it again. True story. :)
Whatever your religious denomination is, (I think we are Episcopalian... but don't quote me) whether your family traditions revolve around Jesus, food, booze, elves on shelves, hiding pickles, or decorating and entertaining... it is pretty awesome to me that for one month out of the year, we all have something to celebrate, and be 'spirited' about. Whatever this season brings to you that brings you joy... is what it's all about :) I like that. I better go turn my outside lights on now. I do believe NASA has been depending on us as a satellite reference point these days :)
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Mom Jeans and Mom Genes
It started me thinking about so many things. What actually constitutes having the mom gene? Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Was she judging me? ARE we in a fight? Is it my minivan? I live in Eden Prairie... most people don't judge that choice... :) Do I have to wear mom jeans... in order to have the mom gene? Do I have to give up swearing, smoking and drinking? Am I exempt from genetic 'Momming' if I don't? Is it weird that you can tell me all sorts of nice things about me... and I don't care. (Not that I don't listen...very carefully... to those things...) But you say I have the mom gene and I wanna jump through the phone and make out with you? Why does that have such an impact on me? And then I figured it out...
When you first have a baby, you are so excited/nervous/confused (Mostly about the belly button to mid-spine diaper they give you, the mesh-like underpants...and the weird little squirt bottle...) that you really don't take into account the enormity of what you just did. You made a life... from scratch. It's all on you to not screw it up, and it's all consuming from here on out. It becomes your job, and the most important fete of your life. No choice you make, will ever be made again... without taking them into account. You do weird things like give up your body (sad face) and your kick ass career, so you can be home with them. Cleaning up poop, vomit, snot and food messes becomes a way of life. As does becoming a taxi, and a human napkin/kleenex/paper towel, but you couldn't be happier. You Feel guilty when you are having fun.... and they aren't. (Like...when you drink copious amounts of wine at a holiday, and they are bored to tears, playing with Tupperware at Grandpa's house...) You even shield them from silly things... like your Halloween costumes, so they aren't scared by your Vampire teeth, or grossed out and mortified when you dress up like Pamela Anderson... and your boobs are on the outside of your shirt. You become a crazy person at the park... making sure other people's brats aren't taking too long on the 2 swings that are available. Your kid needs a turn now. Move it, punk. :) You try to curb your mouth so they don't pick up your habits of swearing like a trucker. And, most importantly... you overcompensate for all the things you didn't get to do, or would change, from your own childhood. (For example... competition dance...and my obsessive hovering...) Weird stuff. There is a sense of pride when people tell you you are doing well at this most important job. It is the ultimate compliment. :)
We all have things we hated our Moms for. Like the time they grounded us before our best friend's huge party, (that EVERYONE in my grade got to go to but me...still bitter...) not letting us have sleepovers at certain friend's houses anymore, where it was really fun and there were never parents around... due to numerous calls from the Edina police department... and various other things that they did for our own good. But, for most of us, the reasons we love and need our Moms, completely negate those things. (Except for the party...still can't get over it) They wiped our tears, explained sex and periods more realistically than the school nurse, let you have huge parties when your boyfriend cheated on you, (I got to have lots... and lots of parties...) helped you when you needed it... and when you didn't... and helped guide us through the icky times, when nobody else gave a shit. As much as we don't want to admit it, a lot of us 'mother' just like our Moms did. It's comforting. I find myself saying "What would my Mom do about this?" more and more these days. (Don't tell her I said that...) It cracks me up. My whole life I thought I knew more than she did. She embarrassed me, scolded me, and meddled in my biz. Now I'm so grateful she did. Hindsight is an amazing thing. I will make tons of mistakes along the way. Hopefully none we can't recover from promptly. I will never forget to pack an afternoon snack for my daughter on the first day of Kindergarten again...I swear. :) I hope my kids look back on these years and know I gave up a lot, and did the best I could, to be able to proudly wear mom jeans... (Baby steps though... Maybe I'll start with pajama jeans...) They are my best, little creations. :)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Christmas in Minnesota... Two Ways.
If you were to say to someone, who does not live in Minnesota, the phrase "Christmas time in Minnesota" They would most likely have a visual that goes something like this:
In a rural area... a family of overweight, jolly farmers, loads up into their sensible vehicle and heads to the 'cities' to do some shopping. Their hair is amazing... complete with big perm and sensual mullet. The children have trouble seeing because their eyeballs are squished between chubby cheeks and thick bangs. There would also, most likely, be a loose cannon teenager...who is some sort of 'Emo'... moping in the back seat. On their way to the Mall of America, they would stop at Fleet Farm and Walmart. All the while, little, sparkly snowflakes are falling from the sky....and they are happy about it. Like it is some sort of Christmas miracle or something ridiculous like that. It goes right along with the Christmas carols they are singing (in unison) all the way there. It's pretty and somewhat 'magical'. They arrive at the mall and it is busy with happy, smiling people...who are being super 'Minnesota nice' and can't wait to give up their parking spot...because they have children with them. They go sit on Santa's lap for a family Christmas card picture...and everyone is smiling (Except Emo...but that goes without saying. The emotions are overwhelming...anybody bring a razor blade?)) The cashiers are thrilled that there are long lines of people waiting patiently to check out, and are super pleasant and talkative, while going back through their purchases and 'fixing' things they may have not given them the discount on. The sales associates at each store are eagerly waiting to show them the perfect gift for each person on their list. They nosh on exotic treats like Cinnabon. They head back to the rural parts with full bellies, a completed list...and even Emo cracks a smile. All and all....the day is a success! Now they just have to wait for Santa to come! YAY!!
When in truth... it would go a little more like this:
An exhausted, Suburban Mother, hustles her family in the car, kicking, screaming, and whining that it's cold and they would rather stay home and play video games. (Her Husband remains at home. He only buys one gift each year, after all. Something for her...that he makes a huge production about presenting to her. They all gather around and 'ooo and aaa' over his purchase. Something that is not even remotely close to the gift she was hoping for... the one she dropped hints about all year? But then again, it's the thought that counts. She doesn't want to seem ungrateful...) The all have bed head, because she couldn't get them to sit down long enough to comb that shit out. One kid has a fever and is coughing and sneezing all over the other children. Sure to spread those germs to unknowing patrons of whatever store that kid decides to wipe his nose on the cart of... but it doesn't matter. They DO make cart wipes that take care of that now...right? They will go anyway, because today is the day that there are sales, and she has an extra 30% off coupon. She narrowly misses a head on collision... cuz it's fricken snowing... AGAIN. People are aggressively trying to get to the mall right along with her. She panics and just parks the damn car. They walk the equivalent of 5 city blocks to get to the door. The kids are pissed... but she's on a mission. She tries to get them to sing 'Let it Snow" and they all burst into tears and throw themselves on the ground in some sort of well thought out rotation. Did someone crap? They now all have a filthy, dirty mixture of ice, snow, and dirt... spackled all over their pants. Fabulous. Just Fabulous.
The mall is packed, and there are lines to get in to the door of each store for which she has coupons. Doesn't anybody work anymore? Aren't we in a recession? They make a beeline for Santa. They wait for 45 minutes (Not too bad, actually) and when it is their turn... Creepy Santa scares the shit out of the youngest. Literally. He fills his pants, screams, and almost has a seizure from lack of oxygen. It ruins the picture that she sneakily takes, with her own camera, while nobody is looking. Oh well...it IS kinda funny. Kind of. Patience still somewhat in tact, and Christmas cards are done. (In theory, anyway...) :)
They head for the first store. There is a hot item there that she needs to get for her Dad. She rounds the corner... and some ass face is yanking the last one off the shelf. She could cry... but what's the point? She can't let that single man...with no children... know he got to her. She'll just go the same store, 45 minutes from her house, to get one. No biggie. Moving right along... there are 12 other people she needs to buy gifts for. Same thing happens with each item on her list. There is not one sales 'associate' in sight to help her find something... better? Or comparable? They are all super busy helping old, deaf people try different telephones...with large buttons. How hard is it? Pick a damn phone already!!! Ugh... Off to some quieter stores to get some suitable...yet not quite right... gifts, instead of the intended.
In lieu of yelling profanities in strangers' faces... she grabs the kids and heads to McDonalds in the food court. They haven't eaten in 5 hours, and the low blood sugar is keeping them awfully quiet by now. She almost thinks twice...but they need to eat. That actually goes well. They peacefully hound down McNuggets and fries. She breathes a sigh of relief, while lists... and lists about lists... are compiling in her head. Why do she and her Husband have to BOTH come from dysfunctional families? Nobody could bring themselves to just stay married? Assholes. Four families are just too much. Every year. Too fucking much.
She stuffs the 3 bags of 'not what I wanted...but it'll do' gifts into the car. Everybody falls asleep on the way home. They will all be up until dawn now...but she digs the quiet. She gets home and her Husband wants to see what she bought. She shows him and tries to ignore the "You payed HOW MUCH for this?" comments... and goes to lay down for the night. Her hair is stuck to her face and forehead, and her socks are soaking wet. She's too tired to do anything about it. That evil snow is the bane of her existence. But... all in all... the day was... a success? She tries to get some sleep because tomorrow she gets to meet her Mother in Law at the same mall.... so she can help her pick out the perfect gifts for her children and husband. Gifts that she thought of... and wants to buy for them... but can't afford. :)
I'm not cynical about Christmas at all... Just a realist. :) They tell you it is the "Most wonderful time of the year". They do... they tell you that from the time you are a little girl, and you believe it! It's a shocking realization when you become 'Santa'... and work your tail off to ensure everyone gets to feel that way. Everyone except for you. :) As a Mom... even in the land of nice people... you WILL almost get run over by some snatch who thinks she's more important than you, and isn't paying attention, whilst on her very important phone call. You will stand in line for hours for a chance to save 6 bucks. You will be soaked in snow, salt and dirt mix. You will bend over backwards, sideways, and possibly forward, to make the season bright for those who matter to you. You will lose your finger prints from Scotch Tape being stuck to them. You will fight with strangers who 'got there first' but clearly don't 'need' that gift as badly as you do. Your tongue will swell from licking 200 envelopes and stamps. You will cry. But it's all worth it when you see their excited faces on Christmas day! That is what it is about now, right? The perfect gifts? :) Bottom line... Hug your Mom a lot more than usual during the Holidays. She deserves it! Ho ho ho!
In a rural area... a family of overweight, jolly farmers, loads up into their sensible vehicle and heads to the 'cities' to do some shopping. Their hair is amazing... complete with big perm and sensual mullet. The children have trouble seeing because their eyeballs are squished between chubby cheeks and thick bangs. There would also, most likely, be a loose cannon teenager...who is some sort of 'Emo'... moping in the back seat. On their way to the Mall of America, they would stop at Fleet Farm and Walmart. All the while, little, sparkly snowflakes are falling from the sky....and they are happy about it. Like it is some sort of Christmas miracle or something ridiculous like that. It goes right along with the Christmas carols they are singing (in unison) all the way there. It's pretty and somewhat 'magical'. They arrive at the mall and it is busy with happy, smiling people...who are being super 'Minnesota nice' and can't wait to give up their parking spot...because they have children with them. They go sit on Santa's lap for a family Christmas card picture...and everyone is smiling (Except Emo...but that goes without saying. The emotions are overwhelming...anybody bring a razor blade?)) The cashiers are thrilled that there are long lines of people waiting patiently to check out, and are super pleasant and talkative, while going back through their purchases and 'fixing' things they may have not given them the discount on. The sales associates at each store are eagerly waiting to show them the perfect gift for each person on their list. They nosh on exotic treats like Cinnabon. They head back to the rural parts with full bellies, a completed list...and even Emo cracks a smile. All and all....the day is a success! Now they just have to wait for Santa to come! YAY!!
When in truth... it would go a little more like this:
An exhausted, Suburban Mother, hustles her family in the car, kicking, screaming, and whining that it's cold and they would rather stay home and play video games. (Her Husband remains at home. He only buys one gift each year, after all. Something for her...that he makes a huge production about presenting to her. They all gather around and 'ooo and aaa' over his purchase. Something that is not even remotely close to the gift she was hoping for... the one she dropped hints about all year? But then again, it's the thought that counts. She doesn't want to seem ungrateful...) The all have bed head, because she couldn't get them to sit down long enough to comb that shit out. One kid has a fever and is coughing and sneezing all over the other children. Sure to spread those germs to unknowing patrons of whatever store that kid decides to wipe his nose on the cart of... but it doesn't matter. They DO make cart wipes that take care of that now...right? They will go anyway, because today is the day that there are sales, and she has an extra 30% off coupon. She narrowly misses a head on collision... cuz it's fricken snowing... AGAIN. People are aggressively trying to get to the mall right along with her. She panics and just parks the damn car. They walk the equivalent of 5 city blocks to get to the door. The kids are pissed... but she's on a mission. She tries to get them to sing 'Let it Snow" and they all burst into tears and throw themselves on the ground in some sort of well thought out rotation. Did someone crap? They now all have a filthy, dirty mixture of ice, snow, and dirt... spackled all over their pants. Fabulous. Just Fabulous.
The mall is packed, and there are lines to get in to the door of each store for which she has coupons. Doesn't anybody work anymore? Aren't we in a recession? They make a beeline for Santa. They wait for 45 minutes (Not too bad, actually) and when it is their turn... Creepy Santa scares the shit out of the youngest. Literally. He fills his pants, screams, and almost has a seizure from lack of oxygen. It ruins the picture that she sneakily takes, with her own camera, while nobody is looking. Oh well...it IS kinda funny. Kind of. Patience still somewhat in tact, and Christmas cards are done. (In theory, anyway...) :)
They head for the first store. There is a hot item there that she needs to get for her Dad. She rounds the corner... and some ass face is yanking the last one off the shelf. She could cry... but what's the point? She can't let that single man...with no children... know he got to her. She'll just go the same store, 45 minutes from her house, to get one. No biggie. Moving right along... there are 12 other people she needs to buy gifts for. Same thing happens with each item on her list. There is not one sales 'associate' in sight to help her find something... better? Or comparable? They are all super busy helping old, deaf people try different telephones...with large buttons. How hard is it? Pick a damn phone already!!! Ugh... Off to some quieter stores to get some suitable...yet not quite right... gifts, instead of the intended.
In lieu of yelling profanities in strangers' faces... she grabs the kids and heads to McDonalds in the food court. They haven't eaten in 5 hours, and the low blood sugar is keeping them awfully quiet by now. She almost thinks twice...but they need to eat. That actually goes well. They peacefully hound down McNuggets and fries. She breathes a sigh of relief, while lists... and lists about lists... are compiling in her head. Why do she and her Husband have to BOTH come from dysfunctional families? Nobody could bring themselves to just stay married? Assholes. Four families are just too much. Every year. Too fucking much.
She stuffs the 3 bags of 'not what I wanted...but it'll do' gifts into the car. Everybody falls asleep on the way home. They will all be up until dawn now...but she digs the quiet. She gets home and her Husband wants to see what she bought. She shows him and tries to ignore the "You payed HOW MUCH for this?" comments... and goes to lay down for the night. Her hair is stuck to her face and forehead, and her socks are soaking wet. She's too tired to do anything about it. That evil snow is the bane of her existence. But... all in all... the day was... a success? She tries to get some sleep because tomorrow she gets to meet her Mother in Law at the same mall.... so she can help her pick out the perfect gifts for her children and husband. Gifts that she thought of... and wants to buy for them... but can't afford. :)
I'm not cynical about Christmas at all... Just a realist. :) They tell you it is the "Most wonderful time of the year". They do... they tell you that from the time you are a little girl, and you believe it! It's a shocking realization when you become 'Santa'... and work your tail off to ensure everyone gets to feel that way. Everyone except for you. :) As a Mom... even in the land of nice people... you WILL almost get run over by some snatch who thinks she's more important than you, and isn't paying attention, whilst on her very important phone call. You will stand in line for hours for a chance to save 6 bucks. You will be soaked in snow, salt and dirt mix. You will bend over backwards, sideways, and possibly forward, to make the season bright for those who matter to you. You will lose your finger prints from Scotch Tape being stuck to them. You will fight with strangers who 'got there first' but clearly don't 'need' that gift as badly as you do. Your tongue will swell from licking 200 envelopes and stamps. You will cry. But it's all worth it when you see their excited faces on Christmas day! That is what it is about now, right? The perfect gifts? :) Bottom line... Hug your Mom a lot more than usual during the Holidays. She deserves it! Ho ho ho!
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